as much as i want to read everyones blog and get all caught up, i need to put all the love out that has just been slathered on me today!!
EVERYONE at work wished me a happy birthday- i thought that was so cool! it was like they were really hoping for wonderfulness for me .
i got some really wonderful unexpected gifts and im still just blown away. today- TODAY- i received over 300 dollars.
how is that even possible!? and some from my sis and bro- in- law, and they dont have alot. totally giving to me out of their lack and loving me well.
i got to see them which was so amazing.
all my friends got along at dinner:-D even though they didnt know each other. thats truely beautiful to me and there felt like so much joy in the room.. maybe it was just me. but it was so good to feel.
im standing in awe at this turned tables- right after all this difficulty im having w the kids club and bed bugs and thinking about all this stuff i have to do monetarily for the summer...... and all my worries just vanished today. the kids stuff started vanishing sat nite. my summer has expanded w more possibility because of that and im wanting to do bible studies and thinking about mentoring at colonial hills. but something just feels greater. like bigger. theres so much more to our lives than what we think God wants to do. i am getting a taste.
its like the cake jes brought to celebrate me tonight. it was double layer, coconut icing. the actual icing couldve been a cake in itself. it was stacked.
it was so over the top and definitely could satisfy 30 people. it weighed 5 lbs 6 oz. thats more than me when i was born. it was extravagant.
today was extravagant.

i have to tell yall this. so, sick yesterday, right? recovering my strength today. went pretty well. i love gatorade. really do. its tastey. bad for your teeth. drink it in gulps and swish w water right after.

beside the very cool point. WHY/HOW is God doing all of this at once?!
ok. went wedd dress shopping w linds, and lo: behold.
she found the dress today. that like, never happens. usually never. and hardly ever at davids bridal, in my experiences w friends. that took up a good portion of the day. im really trying to get to the point.
thinking about weddings and all the things that ask for money with them.
i love giving physically. its major for me. i have this much >< money.
i started off crying in bed about how much of me and i of him we are missing. that grieves me beyond anything lately.
it went to being SO frustrated that i cant give as much in presents and such - i cant lavish on my 2 best friends --pause for crying
and i wondered[thanks God]what part of this was selfish.
apparently a good chunk! dont want to have to pay attention/ be responsible w money. its wearisome. takes too much time to balance and plan.
the other part is deeper.
theres a generational curse. both my grandmothers found a place to love us through money and giving. one, for my whole life - and just recently her funds are not what they were.
the other , she always would take us out and buy presents- not crazily so. then when my grandpa died she had all this money and was this amazing benefactress. she loved being able to buy us whatever we liked. it truely gave her joy.
both grandmothers found this as a way to make sure people stayed around.
my lie is this. if i dont give, people wont love me.
its ok to receive from others and not pay them back ::shudder:: theres so much shame there.
i broke the lie tonight. but i 'll bet theres layers.

might be tmi for some.

had a lovely gg time where lots of pushing was happening, exploding revelations. breaking freer from lies.
i almost did a role play. decided against. mostly because it wouldve been unplanned and i dont know that anyone in the room couldve handled being the sounding board. at that moment.

i came home joyous for the things that were broken into, for myself and others.
i came home decided about the moments when my addiction tries to grab hold of me. i will find a special journal. i will put all connected to this addiction there. my conversations w God. i will take time to slow down when my addiction wants to play. and i will sit and wonder. ive let God in just so far about this. its mostly been asking him to take it, and / or sitting knowing he still loves me - and doing it anyway.
it hurts my past and keeps things locked away- im pretty sure. i dont have all my memories.
it hurts me . now. it hurts me later. it hurts my future husband because its isolating. and husbands dont make anything better or go away. theyre just people stuck in your mess. same w kids .
and i want so badly to not be afraid to speak to my children about everything or anything. and maybe i will be afraid. but i want to do it. i want them to hear [at an appropriate time] that their mom is human, and that she has screwed up alot. and she gets scared , and probably tired of being a mom all the time but that doesnt change her love for them.

i woke up sick today, and was frustrated because things need to get done. i feel better now. over the course of the morning[6-11] i threw up/ diarrhea-ed 3 times. i think as we get older , being sick hurts more. i remember being sick as a child and dont remember hurting so bad that i was crying and wanting to rip out my stomach.
took alot of little naps in which i was always sick and couldnt really move, but there were things to be done for the weddings. like, it was the day of. horrible.
i ate about 6 raspberries, a piece of toast, and some oj. along w alot of water. all day. i figure not eating and letting my intestines rest until theyre hearty again is a good thing. im not going to worry about eating because i think i need it; im going to eat when my actual stomach feels hungry. im going to stop weighing myself at work, im going to stop wondering when i'll gain weight. i'll stop trying so hard to gain. i will let myself be tiny and try to love that.
ive been in a pretty good place w this, but it just needs to go away. i cant have it trying to become my "safer" substitute addiction.

its going to take time to let God really speak to me. time i dont allow myself or him to have . but i do want it.
these next 3 months i have 2 weekends open. 2. some of these weekends have multiple things ive agreed or wanted to do. this is not counting the weeks of kids club.
some of you might think this is fine/normal- whatever. its not. its not for you, its not for me. life doesnt have to be so fast. we all know theres things happening for us during the work week, aside from work. God asks us to rest and i for one dont listen most of the time.