i have to tell yall this. so, sick yesterday, right? recovering my strength today. went pretty well. i love gatorade. really do. its tastey. bad for your teeth. drink it in gulps and swish w water right after.

beside the very cool point. WHY/HOW is God doing all of this at once?!
ok. went wedd dress shopping w linds, and lo: behold.
she found the dress today. that like, never happens. usually never. and hardly ever at davids bridal, in my experiences w friends. that took up a good portion of the day. im really trying to get to the point.
thinking about weddings and all the things that ask for money with them.
i love giving physically. its major for me. i have this much >< money.
i started off crying in bed about how much of me and i of him we are missing. that grieves me beyond anything lately.
it went to being SO frustrated that i cant give as much in presents and such - i cant lavish on my 2 best friends --pause for crying
and i wondered[thanks God]what part of this was selfish.
apparently a good chunk! dont want to have to pay attention/ be responsible w money. its wearisome. takes too much time to balance and plan.
the other part is deeper.
theres a generational curse. both my grandmothers found a place to love us through money and giving. one, for my whole life - and just recently her funds are not what they were.
the other , she always would take us out and buy presents- not crazily so. then when my grandpa died she had all this money and was this amazing benefactress. she loved being able to buy us whatever we liked. it truely gave her joy.
both grandmothers found this as a way to make sure people stayed around.
my lie is this. if i dont give, people wont love me.
its ok to receive from others and not pay them back ::shudder:: theres so much shame there.
i broke the lie tonight. but i 'll bet theres layers.