i think i only come here to write when ive had some hard moments.
work SUCKS, and i cried alot today. i was reminded that in this world i will have trouble, but to take heart. then, lovingly i was reminded of suffering in this life by some blogs.
but i was wondering...how to take heart when im so distraught? i felt today like only God could piece me together, and it almost seemed as if he was putting me together ENOUGH, and i had to take care of the rest. lemme just tell you, its scarey thinking you might burst into tears literally over a childs mouth.
it all was fine. i was taken care of- but i didnt feel or see it in the moment.
later, he gave me mercy. i was supposed to work tomorrow- there werent enough patients, though, so a co-worker and i flipped a coin on it. i won:-D
that is a blessing beyond what can be understood by anyone other than me.
and in light of that- He is TOTALLY holding me! i dont like suffering, but i guess i need to start getting used to it [one of my other co-workers made a comment to the effect that we have a "getting used to suffering" to go through.].
theres a bit of selfish groaning inside, to think that im going to continue to feel.
try to track with me:
suffering hurts
theres going to be more, and it may not stop until im 100- dear God take me sooner!!!!
he awakens my heart
my heart feels
i will be feeling through suffering.
bleh.
and engulfing a piece of birthday cake straight off the table with your mouth=duh, what else would you engulf it with?=doesnt help. but it does taste good. its pure. no utensil taste.
the point of that is...i cant deaden anymore. i know the places i go to deaden, and its really difficult for me to actually deaden.actively.
i may become numb over a period of time, but then im always like, WHOA!!! when did THAT happen?!
im still trying to figure that out.
****being alive and in feeling mode takes awareness and action. ****i get tired. and then i get mad and fuss at God. thats about it. im grateful for his gentleness.
i have acid reflux from stress. sweeeeeet.