doing big things

when bgi things come my way, i get alot of energy and get them done. problem= theyre usually crammed into a few days of intense stress and freaking out, sometimes hyperventilating. <---that last one hasnt happened in a while, but just to give you background. [welll, maybe i havent tried to quickly do something big in a while. ]
i got pre-approved for a loan. for a house. i have been thinking about this slowly since about august, id say. i was mostly thinking about renting, but hadnt looked into anything hard core, even though i knew i lease is up in dec.
got back from SALTS and jumped straight into organizing my going to abf classes to promote the womens dinner at church. this is not a good thing to try to do just 2 days before, esp. when dealing with about 14 classes.
crazy thing is, God blessed me through my procrastinating, laziness, and somewhat not caring about this event with everything falling into place the selfsame day i started my "project."
he taught me that its not about me, and he works things out in spite of everything in us thats not of him, and hes turning my heart soft to care more for this outreach.
ok. so that story is told to shed light hopefully on this one.
i waited to do this pre approval thing. and i was looking at the approval to be the green light from God that this buying house stuff was going to happen now.
i made the appt for 9. the lady had to take detours because of the rain and didnt get to work- to me- until 9 :55. we just squeezed everything in before i had to go to work.
there came not smooth sailing. i dont have a downpayment at all because of various things over the last year. ::ahem!carandsalts::
and the first time buyer deal doesnt cover downpayments anymore. they stopped that part of the helpfulness in august. so. i would have to get someone(s) to give me a "gift." of roughly 3,500.
yea, im not good at asking for things i REALLY need or want.
and who would do that anyway? sidenote, i think i might still ask one couple tomorrow, just to see.
theres all this paperwork that has to be compiled when someone gives a gift. thier bank statements, etc. and the clincher. for the loan to be available to me in time for when i would need the house- dec- all the EVERYTHING about it would need to be solid by the end of this week! contracts in stone and signed and all.
needless to say, i was in bed for a while before this, refluxing. and getting mad at my cat for wanting to cuddle. [im beginning to pay attention to my attitude to see whats going on, when i get mad at my cats for being loving. its like a spiritual plumb line.]
so, i let it go. i let go, after finally getting up and writing my thoughts out and fussing at God. waiting is always a good choice. if this is meant to happen quickly, it will and there will be nothing i can do to stop it. i will be open to it still happening this week, but a huge part of me - that is now basking in peace- is finally resting enough to let go control of grasping. to empty my hands of the things that God has not put there, and then turn them right side up and allow them to be filled. not put them under the faucet of my choosing, but to let the wild, gentle, unpredictable flow of rain come. and go.
this pre approval was a pre preparing. i now know more of what it takes to get a loan started, and all the papers i need, etc. theres worth in being intentional and plodding along, characteristics i have not been good at, ever.
that makes me think of when i used to run track. i was a sprinter when i was younger. but it was the longer sprints. that had felt like giving it my all, all at once, for longer than necessary. i enjoyed the expenditure. now im more okay with jogging. its slower. makes my knees hurt more. but i can go longer. im starting to enjoy taking my time. beiing thoughtful.
ok, i need to sleep.