i have been reserving my flowery words and such for my journal.
so *here* is where i sit.
-battling selfishness of wanting to be married for what it will be for me.
-aquiescing [sp?] to wayside being my home church. still thinking on why all of these weird feelings are present in light of this church body.
- my roles in life as a leader, and my rebelling on every front when these roles surface.
- being ok with kids clubs and other things that feel "mediocre" to me, being my life work along with touching people through my career choice. wanting to thrive in those places and not just be ok. but being ok is a huge step.
- still learning romanian and wondering if its worth it. still keeping the option of going next summer open in my heart.
-with that, praying for a poss replacement for me in that timeframe for work.

-realizing this morning that my life will [has] not look[ed] like what i[ve] want[ed].

it leaves me with not much to hold on to. i want to go deeper here.\
i honestly and for reals started a prayer journal.

im tired of the truth that has been my actions. when i say this im specifically speaking about how i move in my relationship to guys. i say im picky and have high standards, but in reality ive made myself ready to be okay with anyone that gives me any time/ glances/ etc.
this is why prostitution and rape have been so drawing. because i have allowed the mindset. this is pretty fresh unearthing. and i dont really want to leave with this tthought.

ok. go back and read [or if you have a better memory than me, think] on the things in my bullets. all of these things are pulling at me and theres tension. the peace is found in my actual doing of things, just staying with the regularly scheduled program, but when i just think on all the possibilities, i want to throw all away. must be my rebellion having a big huzzah. hopefully its last!
i wanna watch a movie and eat medditeranian food.