almost everything in my brain right now. well... half.

what to say? its been so long.

hi.
im your friend. youre mine. i like you, and im glad we can meet here, if not on a regular basis in the "real" world.
Gods been pricking me again, and most recently in an unexpected conversation w mike dalton.

yea, hes doing pretty good.

i know you guys can see a broken record theme coming from me in all my blogs. ii talk about the same stuff. im ok w that. if you ever get a hold of one of my journals [ hopefully a very old one; it would be less embarrassing that way] , youd quickly get bored with what would seem to be a constant rehashing. i dont mean to. i just forget.
i want memory.

so this thing that is constantly on my mind and i dont know what to do about it is- leadership.

we've probably talked about it at some point. its been in my life as an annoying part of me that wont change.
i want someone to lead me. and i dont let God do that very well. id rather the leading be on my terms. ew. such a viscious cycle.
francis chan kicked me in the small intestine today.
i dont want to love God more than anything else on this earth. i want to love a person more than anything else on this earth. i choose to be wrapped up in my selfishness more than the fact that i have inexplicable freedom and joyy at my fingertips. that i can continue to know Him FOREVER and i wont be able to know all. thhis doesnt thrill me as much as thinking of the possibility of having a husband w skin on.
i want to be able to say all of those things positively and truely about God. there are times when im there, and i long to stay there so desperately. not that my longing for a husband is gone, but its not consuming me there.
it just gets harder and harder.
i know the remedy.
it entails FEELING boring. i kinda like rollercoastering.

its readin the bible. its praying for others. putting on holy ears. being intentional with my words ALL THE TIME. showing my heart all the time. even when someones just stabbed it.

slowly.

ya know when youre in conversation with people, and things start getting said, and you know its hurting you, but you dont even have the presence of mind to completely acknowledge that its hurting? maybe its just me.
but this recently happened and i was tired and in pain and things were said. i was put in an unkind spot light, and instead of letting the person know it was unkind and engaging with him well, i met him there in my tough and spewed ugly.
so this growing up stuff is hard for me. to push past tired, push past my pre- set notions of people and listen to their hearts when i could care less about them. take the time to think about my heart, and realize that i can start caring about them if i care about me just enough.

im not crying, but earlier before bloggin i was, and i have to say i hate crying with contacts in. AND i hate crying w glasses on. just a no- win situation either way.


one more thing. just cuz. i am being super strict with myself in my budgeting. all those times i was telling yall it was going great- welll, i was cutting corners and taking from other allotments. so . when i say i cant do something that requires money, dont judge me. i know i make ok- good money. technically i CAN do things. but i have to pay for my car [a..k.a. probably not the best desicion in the world], and im deciding that at the end of the alloted time, id like to look back- even if its not paid off and im in debt with the interest- and know that i tried my hardest at paying it off.