missing the connection of heart, soul and whatever else could be between me and my parents right now.
broken over their emotional constipation , and lack of desire to venture. lack of desire to take the time and expend energy on feeling their thoughts and finding the words to fit.
hating where my voice is snatched in the presence of fear of a misunderstanding or flippant brush-off.
hating watching my brother in the battle of wanting them to be more present, and not knowing how to ask for it, and wanting to be present himself, but only having the latter part of me and vignettes of other family members to work from.

im so glad my brother is away. in colorado, getting primed for an encounter w God. i agree with your perfect timing, Sir.
im also thankful for whatever physical thing my dads going through. getting blood work done to find out... i thought he might be having mild seizures. funny, he didnt seem to be ok with slowing down to see if God was trying to get his attention with this. there just seemed to be fear and just wanting it gone. not giving him any pain , just weird, unknown uncomfortableness.

im jealous of my friends and that things are happening in their lives. ive felt so stuck. and the getting out is slow and not so excited. but i want to be excited.
i think i just thought, by now, id have more of a handle on the bigger picture. but hes not letting me see it yet.
i AM looking forrward to celebrating w shelley and cj.
and i THANK GOD i havent been weepy and depressed about all this lovely marriage happening around me! so glad i can actually revel in their joy with them.

i got over my fear of being around/ talking to my downstairs neighbor. hes an older black man, probably my dads age. hes a vet, and has some health issues and is handicapped. at first, he would talk to me and watch out for me and i kinda felt creeped out. i liked that he called me baby girl and felt a little protective over me, and hated it at the same time. i can finally admit that sometimes i thought he might try to proposition me. he had made what i felt were inappropriate comments in the past.
something my dad said the other day about guys hit me hard, and i wanted to cry. he actually vented his frustration to me about the fact that [he as speaking about past experiences more, because he doesnt really know completely how i interact now ,but its still close] i dont give guys a chance and i just think guys are out to get me. well, alot of things swirled in me to say in response to that, but i held them all.
theres truth there. and i decided i wanted to break out of that fear more. pj was a safe place. he invited me to watch a basketball game and i was free- so i did. 2 other older men were there, one from our apt complex so i sorta knew him. and it was fine! im still alive and they werent lewd towards me and even curbed some of what i think wouldve been their normal conversation.
granted, im not going to make a habit of hanging out with 3 grown men ages 35 ish- 50. but it was awesome to tell all the little fearful voices to shut the hell up.