dont you just long to grow from glory to glory? dont you long for the ever - increasing life He gives?
my stomach is in a knot right now with desire.
i never want to forget my God, the truth about him, and the truth about me.
i cursed my bad memory tonight. not the lack of memory that Christ lovingly employs so we donr get overburdened w sorrow and all that such manner of thing, but the lack of memory that stops me from slowing down and speaking truth to myself or another. to just remember that theres more to this life than all these little things we need to work upkeep on.

ever -increasing wickedness reaps us shame and death. rom. 6: 19 -21. that bring us into a loss of sensitivity eph. 4:19 that says we need more of these desires that we are told will make us happy. im so tired of all these things and people. affirmation, friends[frantic need for company], hope of a husband, more money, more ministry, acceptance, some form of sex, love for myself in the deepest parts of who i am, desperate need to be known.
i . am. so. done.
i hate what all this does to me, and to others through me. my desperation to befulfilled somehow in this life cant be done by this life . and it will make me stupid unless i allow God to sanctify that desperation to himself.

ya know, we uncover our sin to excuse it, satan uncovers it to accuse it, BUT. Christ uncovers it to diffuse it.
btw, everything cool that im saying in this blog is all from beth moore. seriously. download the week 6 of breaking free. you dont have to be a girl to watch this.
so. Christ always comes lovingly uncovering, lovingly washing away, and then covering in truth.
i WEEP [if not externally, internally] every time i even think about holding a child in a towel after they get out of the bath.
they fight you to get in the tub. they want to keep playing. but dang it all, theyre dirty and they smell weird. and theres food in their hair. and then they remember its way fun to be in the tub bc they get to be THEMSELVES! theres no clothes! and theres fun toys that are usually special for the tub, and its warm and feels good, and they get nice quiet focused play w mom/ dad/ significant adult. when its time to get out, theres a really soft towel and some arms.
and this is the part i break down over. wish i could remember from my childhood, and desperately want to have as part of my life more.
theyre all warm and snuggy, wrapped up in that towel, and there are arms ,and a lap, and no hurry. and they cuddle up and are just held. . and for a moment your heart fills up beyond compare.
when my brother was little there was a very small time frame when this was allowed and welcomed by him. by the kids i have babysat. and i cherish it.
sometimes ive curled up on the floor of my bathroom, or even in my bathtub, all wrapped up in a towel and feeling cuddly, and i cry.. and i ask God to be holding me in his lap.
=he washes me clean without harping on me that i got so dirty. he spends time with me there. he gives time to let me be washed. and he wants me to ENJOY the process as much as possible in a quiet and intimate way. he wouldve cuddled w me dirty, but neither of us wouldve enjoyed it as much.=

i had that senario just above in general terms; into the 3rd sentence i realized it needed to be me.

most of the breaking free session is on the woman at the well. funny how i keep thinking i will someday get to the end of knowledge on that passage.
she makes a comment about at the beginning, when Jesus gets there, hes tired. and hungry. and after the convo, and she runs off, hes telling his disciples that hes full! he has food they dont know about! she posited that we fill our Lord up too, when we're in relationship w him. ive heard that before, but it blew me away tonight. he was weary coming near to her. yes, there was physical fatigue, but i wonder- did he feel the weight of her? the weight of her sin and sorrow and lethargy of life? in the ebb and flow of their conversation, she allowed him in. and she accepted truth. as she left, he says hes full- energized? ready for action in her life, ready to jump up with her and get this abundance going?! i think so.
when we're like- minded w someone it brings joy.
i grieved tonight over not showing up well. i hide my true emotions from people; even the good emotionS! yea, i dont dare get too happy about something risky, dont get too excited, you might look stupid. dont admit that you had hope and expectation about something and now its gone. dont tell your friend that what they just said actually knifed you.
thats pretty much it. and my cat is bothering me and i promised him id go out on the patio w him and brush and pet him. so bye