im sitting here with so much on my heart and mind.
this used to feel like such a need, to tell the world somehow through my blog, how life was going and all that jazz. to be connected to all of my friends here.
it doesnt feel bad anymore to just hold it.
but, i cant keep holding it. im in the same cycle i used to live in, but for different reasons. before, i kept all to myself cuz i figured no one cared. now, i know everyone that is my friend cares, and that peace allows me freedom to not dump all in my mind out all the time. but i still do need to let "it" out at times, or i may go crazy. and we know heather going crazy is not ideal. ;)

new year. i love new years eve- all the time. every year i get so excited about the possibility. just of anything. it makes me want to get rid of stuff, and take trips, etc.

i watched lotr the two towers new years day and the next. sam says something to frodo when theyre captive of farimir in gondor. frodo really doesnt think he can go on, and even though ive seen all the movies and read the books, i believed him in that moment. sam tells him its like all the stories worth telling- the hero does hard things, and just when you think all is lost, something happens [basically], and there is good in the end.
for some reason that resonated w me in all areas of my life. i definitely dont have some evil piece of jewelry that some evil force wants. and im not short [ that makes quests harder :-P] . but i felt that day to day pull of all the evils, and all the doubt and questions, wondering if im doing right and can i make it and will it really matter if i just give up?
and i wonder if i have given up- but sometimes i cant tell. i dont think i have.
im going to tell yall a secret.
i feel more dead than a few years ago .
laugh all you want, but my body is just tired. and my mind cant handle too much in a day. i dont get as excited about certain things . loss of hope? or just me getting older? i cant tell.

i was out of sorts today at work. coasting. i wasnt as focused on the children. everything seemed easy and not important to convey. celebrating a co workers birthday didnt feel celebratory. i dont know how to describe this well.
lemme see if this works- ok. ive been wanting to be more focused. have more time for God, make room for it. that definitely removes time that i wouldve spent DOING, and being w other people. which is good. its good to make time w God. the only things is , im having to fight so much to be focused. its like, i have this much " " focus time, and its all i can do to be in his presence, and im exhausted!
and the more i want to hone in on my friends and their heart and such, the harder it is and the more muddled it becomes.
im just starting off my year oddly. and i dont know what to think about it.

i do know
-im really close to paying off my car, and really dont have to sweat over that.
-i survived a year of many weddings and many bedbugs.
-this past year, i hardly remember all of that.
- im looking forward to taking classes for social work [ something i really never thought id want to do- go back to school]
-i want to go camping this year.
-my heart needs to be heard more deeply, and im wondering where to take that
- i love the kids here in my apt complex
- i want another place to live / want to live w people
- im strong enough to live alone, and thrive and love it
-i love my husband, wherever he is.


dont really want to talk about marriage, but i have a co worker that brings it up alot and asks me if theres anything new. whenever she uses that phrase i know shes asking about prospects, and i love her to death and shes being real about it, but sometimes i wish she wouldnt. that phrase she uses has a way of pulling at my heart and i want to cry cuz i feel so yucky. in my mind, its like, no, dana, nothings new. theres nothing you can celebrate w me about.
she does love talking about all the God books we seem to read at the same time:) right now we're reading not a fan.

why is it . i'll be fine with all that marriage stuff, and then people start talking about it and it just plummets? why does it have to be a freakin roller coaster.

i want to talk about the way the warm softness felt on my skin while i waited for my brother in the central market parking lot new years eve, loving that it felt like spring and new ness. i want to sit in the place where i let you in to my push for more art in my life, and that the other day i didnt want to, but i made myself {yes, MADE} myself start a painting that is going to be a very late (or early) birthday present for my grandma. it is a swirling softness of pinky- orange and i have high hopes of getting a likeness of a beautiful old woman on there- maybe 50's ad style.
high hopes. its prolly going to turn out nothing like the amazingness in my head. thats only happened about 3 times in my life.
i want to talk about how id like a puppy, and eventually have a dog[cuz they grow]. thats all attached to having a house. but what a great fun present, to get a dog for christmas. the ppl down the street from my parents had free puppies. i wanted one so badly. to get something living for christmas felt invigorating. = note, pls dont get me a plant next year. thanks.

ive been allowing myself to feel a bit more. allowing things that hurt to hurt. allowing friends to make fun of me, and not being ashamed, but playing along.
being quieter. being quieted. resting in the fact that my friends really love me and i dont have to work for their love. or their like.
all the softening scares me. sometimes i lash out. i dont know what to do with the new person God has made me to be, that i am growing into. shes boring sometimes, and more unsure of whats best, because its not just a matter of whats right and wrong, or of what she wants anymore.