this is happening more regularly, me being sad. sometimes it is triggered by the young married guy getting consolation from a friend that the cranky, no sleep baby phase his wife is going through with their little one will, indeed, pass.
its a dear sweet mentor telling me things like, "your husband is going to love your hair." and she meant it.
its holding my coworkers newborn.
so, these moments have been more common lately, and i have resigned myself to the fact that i may be crying myself to bed every night now, and thats the season im in. God knows.
im about to tell you my most comforting piece of truth, the one ive been choking, im holding it so hard. [i'll give you a hint- i already said it]
GOD KNOWS
so much of a place of rest for me lately. i think i AM learning this rest stuff. waiting is sooooo haaaaard! ive mentioned it before, i know. its just, nothing new is happening. so we talk about the same things.
i used to have alot more community available to me, where we could all be real and say exactly whats going on, and it was ok, and not shocking, i miss that so much. its felt like part of me has been slowly dying; im finding it harder to be open with people. that scares the shit out of me to think that i am hiding. calling friends to chat is probably a good remedy for this, and one that is hard for me to do. thanks a lot, God.
so, heres a way for me to feel like im still being vulnerable. its kinda cheating, but kinda not. last night i was crying so much - and when i do that, i wonder what i look like, i wonder if my soul is showing. taking expressionless pictures of myself is not a good idea. i looked super weird. so weird, that i started laughing, and thought, lets see if we get any good pics out of that! [ you might be thinking- youre not laughing in those pictures. but if you had just cried as much as i did, thats what laughing comes out as.] and i think i'll throw in the sketches i was doing while all this was going on. its me sad, and me happy.
You are so loved, even when you're crying and think you look weird (which you so do NOT)! I haven't told you this in person yet (probably will soon), but you are growing so much in tenderness and kindness in this season of rest. I can tell when I talk to you on the phone, or hear you in groups. I hope you don't hide, because these are significant places, places where God is doing a thorough and good work. Don't be afraid to share it, like you are doing here.
ReplyDeleteI love the piece of truth you are finding rest in Heather. I have been struggling to rest lately and perhaps it's because I'm not seeking out or bathing myself in truth. God knows - that is rather comforting....
ReplyDeleteI miss that community too. I recently noticed where I've been working my ass off to try and manufacture myself a new community and lately I've been more disappointed than anything else with what ISN'T there. I feel ready to give up on the idea of community all together. It feels mean - to have had what we used to and have it be so filling and wonderful, and then for God to take it all away and so many of us to be left without. I think I'm angry about this.
It's harder for me to rest in truth when I'm angry. *sigh*