the lights twinkle, and i dont have that same glow inside, like usual.
many people i have spoken with over the course of this month have agreed- the Christmas "mood" or "spirit" doesnt feel the same, or isnt with them.
yea....
there are alot of thoughts happening, and im hopeful to get them all out cohesively.

i dont want to be happy just for the season, but i do want to feel the joy from my Lord. i have been upset about a  few things, and some have to do with Him. i had joy today, and some yesterday...i allow the circumstances to wreck that. just tonight, i came home tired, but it was ok. then i realized i had double scheduled something in january. argh!!  i get som upset with myself. how hard is it to follow a calendar, and tell people you'll get back to them..? apparently, pretty difficult.
whenever i screw up i tell myself thats why i dont have any kids.
its a stupid excuse. its not true. i will screw up when i have children :)
it feels like the more i try for rest and order in my life, the harder and more hectic it becomes. i just want to give up. going out of town for Christmas to corpus, and then for a day trip basically in the valley to see my grandmother, is stressing me out. i just feel  tired all the time. i know that allowing my circumstances to dictate my feelings is not right. and i also know that God loves me too much to not let this sink into my being. it looks like i will  be dealing with this struggle for a bit then.  bring on the hard stuff. lets go ahead and get through it. help me rest in you. i am tired. all this makes me mad. i dont know why living with you is so hard. this  life as a christian would be easy, if it was just suffer outwardly. i could handle that pretty well. but this inward stuff. it takes time and thoughtfulness. and rest and trust. somehow thats gotten hard for me to do lately.