i just realized as i read over the beginning of this- im a little hard to follow sometimes. sorry.

i have to speak. tonight God pushed me into the next level. he only knows how much preperation ive needed. ive been able to see some of it. but just one thread- to have my job/ office go through economic problems and give the people there growing pains with each other [ aka drama to the nth degree], just to push the need for how we relate to change, and make me get up earlier. ive seen such a huge need for praying over EVERYTHING in my life, and God brought about external work circumstances to push me into creating time to meet with him. and opening my eyes just a crack to the spiritual realm. i pray it continues. he started a process of healing in my body, and reinforced to me my desires to be a prayer warrior, to stand in the gap and speak into others.
im going to the Love Won Out conference to get some resource and whatever God has for me. if you have never heard of this- check it out.
ahhhh! i have no idea what my life is going to look like, and im totally stoked!! youth, children, all ages, women, whatever. prophecy [words of exhortation, encouragement, comfort], healing, being a catalyst for pulling people away from homosexuality and into a place of clarity, dancing, singing, whatever! here, there, dental hygiene, not, whatever! sleep, no sleep...whatever.
in whatever he has, im willing. because grasping his hem is my goal. i didnt realize completely what i was saying when i said that. when it was given. it entails risking everything and stepping out into what i hope and believe and KNOW about what he has done and given- what he wants to give us. its showing the crowd all i have. its being needy in community. possibly holding out for ridicule all of the tenderest places in my heart.

needy

i have to get this out more than whats available to me.
tonight something happened at a friends house and it totally triggered and dredged up a huge chunk of my past.
it was unravelling.
thankfully my friend was there to hold me and listen. im struck now with realizing the ripple effect that my past is having on my future.
and the oddity that these ripples exist in an alternate universe where they seem like they may become torrents- not fun.
i need to be reminded that he holds me and to give myself grace to look at everything and reflect and soak up truth.


::my husband, bless his soul, will be amazingly patient and be able to contain much::

im in this thing called grace group. by open hearts ministries. very awesome. check it out. anyway. lately i have been feeling the weight of my invitation and impact on people through my words. and to believe that i have something wonderful to give to people has been a long road.

lately ive been able to grab hold of that and become more of who i am.
woot!
i am still human also.
meh!
so tonight at grace group this lady was talking about how wonderful her life has been lately- geez, im using that word alot- and that she didnt see any places needing prayer [in the realm of breaking agreements with lies that shes believed. if thats confusing and curious, ask me]. i pushed in and pretty forcefully asked her if that was really true, because how she was reacting to the situation at hand felt like [to me] that she didnt want to look at something.
i was forceful. i definitely couldve drawn her out in a loving way, and truely been concerned with her heart. i was moreso in a place of bitterness and contempt for her happiness. why, im not sure yet.
probably comes down to comparison- ive had to do this, and some more things came up tonight, and i know im gonna have to do this again! why dont you?!?- yea, thats it. ok.
so i pushed in a "tough girl"way a very gentle soul. she got quiet. i didnt save her, thankfully, but i definitely had some pride goin on at the same time. and i couldnt apologize. then we got really deep into actually entering into praying with a woman who wanted to break a curse right then! it was AWESOME to be there, that she let us enter that.
afterward the lady i had pounded spoke up and let us know she wasnt able to enter into the joy of that moment because she had been so hurt that we had minimized the joy she had been trying to share. i wasnt able to meet her in the pain of what i had said. i wasnt sorry at first. that felt weird. i think i was battling some pride still. and its not like she totally dismissed what i had said. she actually took it in and was thinking about it, and was glad that it pushed her to speak against it, and is going to stay open to some of that possibility! this woman astounded me in that moment. and later she had the beauty about her to let me explain where i was - after i figured it out- and enter into conversation with me futher about it.
i have been holding myself up on this pedestal that i have so much figured out and im so awesome and have great words all the time, and everyone needs to listen to me.
i was reminded, although i have MUCH good, i have alot of responsibility. correct responsibility. that must be handled with gravity. fighting against my silence may end up coming out in a torrent of feelings and words, in an effort to "conquer" the past evil silences. thats not necessarily a great thing. slowing down to know what im feeling and thinking -really thinking- is crucial.

i used to loathe responsibility. now i dislike it sometimes.
im really amazed at how much God asks me to have. its probably a normal amount, and my previous hatred of it makes it feel huge.
actually believing that we are to help with one anothers' burdens- and thinking of the people God has placed in my path- well, im slightly overwhelmed. in a good and bad way.
yay growth! [help me, Jesus!]