bible stuff- swweeeet.

ive had a bunch of crappy weeks all together.
i think Gods doing something.
its hard for me to not understand.
lasst night, i was in bed, and i COULD NOT shut my brain off. with all the things that have been going on for me, and my wanting to make some sort of sense of them... i was trying to solidify if it was demons, Gods refinement, if i was out of his will; i thought of everything. i finally decided to sit up, turn the light on and read. i wasnt sleeping anyway.
luke 8
i always gravitate toward this passage. hence the theme of my blog. but something jumped out at me last night.
"then the woman, seeing that she could not go unnoticed,"
and its followed by an action filled with unknowing, submission, and proclaimation.
HUGE to me right now.

i also had[before that] been in some psalms.
49-57
i understood 54 and 55.
i UNDERSTOOD it. like it was giving voice to the pain in my heart. id never had that happen before in the psalms.
just wanted to share.

oh, and its pretty cool to read ps 119 and song of solomon juxtaposed. you may hate it. it was beautiful to me.one verse, back and forth.

i think i only come here to write when ive had some hard moments.
work SUCKS, and i cried alot today. i was reminded that in this world i will have trouble, but to take heart. then, lovingly i was reminded of suffering in this life by some blogs.
but i was wondering...how to take heart when im so distraught? i felt today like only God could piece me together, and it almost seemed as if he was putting me together ENOUGH, and i had to take care of the rest. lemme just tell you, its scarey thinking you might burst into tears literally over a childs mouth.
it all was fine. i was taken care of- but i didnt feel or see it in the moment.
later, he gave me mercy. i was supposed to work tomorrow- there werent enough patients, though, so a co-worker and i flipped a coin on it. i won:-D
that is a blessing beyond what can be understood by anyone other than me.
and in light of that- He is TOTALLY holding me! i dont like suffering, but i guess i need to start getting used to it [one of my other co-workers made a comment to the effect that we have a "getting used to suffering" to go through.].
theres a bit of selfish groaning inside, to think that im going to continue to feel.
try to track with me:
suffering hurts
theres going to be more, and it may not stop until im 100- dear God take me sooner!!!!
he awakens my heart
my heart feels
i will be feeling through suffering.
bleh.
and engulfing a piece of birthday cake straight off the table with your mouth=duh, what else would you engulf it with?=doesnt help. but it does taste good. its pure. no utensil taste.
the point of that is...i cant deaden anymore. i know the places i go to deaden, and its really difficult for me to actually deaden.actively.
i may become numb over a period of time, but then im always like, WHOA!!! when did THAT happen?!
im still trying to figure that out.
****being alive and in feeling mode takes awareness and action. ****i get tired. and then i get mad and fuss at God. thats about it. im grateful for his gentleness.
i have acid reflux from stress. sweeeeeet.

i was reading one of tims older blogs- thank you sir for blogging so much. it makes me feel like an internet sloth. even moreso than i already am- and he said at one point that he longed for real communication in a room of eighth grade boys. 

what do you do with a longing like that when involves your family members? and your spiritual matriarch [grandma]? do i really just like analyzing things? ::maybe::

but thats not an excuse to push someones desire  for communication away.  i should talk about me. it pushed my desire for deeper places with my grandma, and she pushed me away. it hurt. 

yesterday i encountered some interesting ways my immediate family was relating, and lemme tell you. speaking into the unspoken paces is hard.