i was reading this blogentry- http://tracyawesome.typepad.com/my_weblog/2009/07/memory-and-aching.html
and aching is resonating with me. i have found in myself a fairly easy ache when it comes to praying over other people, longing for more with God, other people, fighting my flesh, etc.
but i hate it. i have hated feeling this thing that i cant explain. and so i push it down. oh. i was going to say push down the responsibility. but thats not what it is. its a priviledge. should be.
"aviod the ache of remembering"
it hurts to remember who were supposed to be- who we are. sometimes - alot= i dont allow myself to be who im meant to be. and i dont speak, dont look in the eye, dont give the benefit of hte doubt, dont remember that i stumble too. all these things, if i were to do them, i would definitely be more achy. i have been strict and exacting lately. demanding from others, mostly just in my mind.
"...teach me to be humble
call me from the grave
show me how to walk with you upon the waves
breathe into my spirit
breathe into my veins
until onnly love remains

you burn away the ropes that bind and hold me to the earth
the fire only leaves behind whatever is of worth
i know that i deserve to die for the murder in my heart
but be gentle with me Jesus \
as you tear me apart...

...i know that i am shadow
but im dancing in your light." JJ Heller

i have not much to say. i just feel like talking. fb feels to sterile. this feels cozy. weird how something so detached can feel nice like that. today was kinda hard, but okay. i grieve for my co workers. loving your job but getting your butt busted for measly pay sucks.
"keep on waitin, waitin on the world to change"
id definitly like my world to morph a bit more.
some things ive been thinking on lately:
change
fear
suffering
accomdating
living fully
we are beautifully disciplined in the mundane- thats where true christianity shines. the trouble and suffering that Christ talks about is found in the things we find drudgerous. [most of the time, for an american christian. yes, we encounter trauma]

i feel far from where my heart used to be a few months ago- when i felt very soft.
ive been slowly shown that im kinda hiding parts of myself from God and from myself. not to mention others. but i dont know what these places hold.
so. i dont know how im "blocked off".
thats about it. i think im going dancing.

dear dan

it is so titled because i wanted to expressly tell dan this- but its too cool.
and i thought about giving it to him to expound upon, but wanted it to be mine.:)

"touching the hinge"
the def:
when someone gently impacts you in such a way as to allow "illumination" into the deeper,slightly hidden treasures [i.e., delicate, precious things] of yourself . usually creates a warmth and invitaion to know more, possibly even to let inside.
:-DDD
i just had fun.

also [i told you this was a blog directed at dan], if you ever get the chance-hm. who is my audience-okay. if you havent already heard dan pray over old people, you should jump at the chance. he will make you want to wear dentures and maybe even be on your deathbed, just so you can be under his care and know you are loved.