i was reading this blogentry- http://tracyawesome.typepad.com/my_weblog/2009/07/memory-and-aching.html
and aching is resonating with me. i have found in myself a fairly easy ache when it comes to praying over other people, longing for more with God, other people, fighting my flesh, etc.
but i hate it. i have hated feeling this thing that i cant explain. and so i push it down. oh. i was going to say push down the responsibility. but thats not what it is. its a priviledge. should be.
"aviod the ache of remembering"
it hurts to remember who were supposed to be- who we are. sometimes - alot= i dont allow myself to be who im meant to be. and i dont speak, dont look in the eye, dont give the benefit of hte doubt, dont remember that i stumble too. all these things, if i were to do them, i would definitely be more achy. i have been strict and exacting lately. demanding from others, mostly just in my mind.
"...teach me to be humble
call me from the grave
show me how to walk with you upon the waves
breathe into my spirit
breathe into my veins
until onnly love remains

you burn away the ropes that bind and hold me to the earth
the fire only leaves behind whatever is of worth
i know that i deserve to die for the murder in my heart
but be gentle with me Jesus \
as you tear me apart...

...i know that i am shadow
but im dancing in your light." JJ Heller