i was stopped at the gas station by a middle- aged man....maybe in his thirties, with just some premature grey. anyway. he commented- you have a dagger in your ear[clarification- i have a tapered, straight gauge. its a little under 2 in, i think.]
he wanted to know if it was a goth thing, and i responded. he probed, asking if there was a meaning.
so, i launched into why i have it. i paused right at the beginning, asking him if he knew stuff about the bible. he was like, duh! so i continued.
he made me clarify some points that i never even thought of before. i told him about the historical servant thing.
he asked me, so after a specific time, after youve done so much work, it changes?[im paraphrasing greatly, i cant remember what he said exactly. ]
i said, no, its a little different, and proceeded to give him my thoughts. he asked the same thing again, in a different way, and then i was able to give him my full response.
what i came away with, that feels very new and im surprised i didnt think about this on my own- this is a new covenant. its simply taking a symbolizm from the old law. theres nothing else thats remotely relatable. before i came to believe Gods love for me, i was working hard, working to be good. i was a "christian" then. it felt like slavery. when i finally started realizing his persuit and love of me, and that id rather be stripped, offended, misunderstood, broken, and whatever else with Him than successful and happy by myself, i wanted a symbol of my devotion out of love to the Lord. i want people to know the peace that our Spirit brings.
i didnt say all this to him. it felt really awkward that he was being so interested and was really allowing me the time to talk. i didnt know what to do with that. there were two sides to that. one, that he was just wanting to talk to me cuz i was cute and wanted to see if he could get anywhere, and two, he couldve just walked up to me and said- i REALLY need to give my heart to the Lord in thanks for what he has done for me RIGHT NOW!
so, the feelings associated with those thoughts. put them together. thats what i felt. i couldnt focus well.
but im thankful that he asked me about it . im glad for the clarification.

katy got me wondering, along with all the other stuff in my head right now.

im kinda on a high- Gods just awesome. he restated to me through a lightening storm that he is with me lovingly, and cares to show himself especially to me, and reminded me of his power that hes given me the grace to let flow through me.
if you want to know that full story, ask. its kinda long and i dont want to type it all right now.

im excited about change. with church, and really living more fully, and with my plans for a different home in dec...not knowing at all what my life is going to hold in a couple months is WAYYY cool. maybe it is just some humongo breakthroughs and personal awesomness in growth. maybe its alot of physical out ward changes, maybe some of both. but its coming. theres a truth in my gut.
so ive been excited the past week or so. and i got to meet up with shelley and chat last night. some of the places we went left me really curious. im encouraged and thoughtful and saddened for her and where shes been lately, and i enjoyed stepping into her life again. shes definitely a person that i can step into, into the rooms of her heart, and she lets me walk around pretty freely.
looking at her heart makes me see mine in a new light at times. well, most of the time. i was muchly shocked at some areas that she threw a different light on. the light was not rose colored, but it was real and filled with love.
im thankful for the people that God sets up as sentinels for my heart in different seasons.
i wish i could let some more specifics out; i hate when others are vague. hm. well, i can say this.

ya know how its said girls go for people that are like their dads? i really do that. i see it all the time, its very blatant. and i really tend to shy away from-with something very close to disgust- guys who are like my mom.

there are some traits about my dad, i think, that arent healthy for me to be around. this was hard to look at, and its fresh. last night fresh.
so im struggling with what ive always wanted, and what i think i might need and deserve.
::wow:: and deserve. that just came out.
long pause , in thought.
i deserve someone better than my dad.

ok, so i had an idea where i wanted this post to go, its gone now. like, i dont even remember what i was thinking at the beginning. to be continued..

i get lulled into thinking sometimes that im used to change. then something so subtle comes, and there i am again, back at square one. feeling like im back at square one.

peoples lives changing changes people. we are constantly a different person, and therefore are worthy of getting to know always.
i want to get to know people. i feel like i do. maybe i dont. actually, im really selfish. i always am trying to get the focus on myself . i hate that part of me. could you just leave, part, and let me enjoy people? that' d be great.