katy got me wondering, along with all the other stuff in my head right now.

im kinda on a high- Gods just awesome. he restated to me through a lightening storm that he is with me lovingly, and cares to show himself especially to me, and reminded me of his power that hes given me the grace to let flow through me.
if you want to know that full story, ask. its kinda long and i dont want to type it all right now.

im excited about change. with church, and really living more fully, and with my plans for a different home in dec...not knowing at all what my life is going to hold in a couple months is WAYYY cool. maybe it is just some humongo breakthroughs and personal awesomness in growth. maybe its alot of physical out ward changes, maybe some of both. but its coming. theres a truth in my gut.
so ive been excited the past week or so. and i got to meet up with shelley and chat last night. some of the places we went left me really curious. im encouraged and thoughtful and saddened for her and where shes been lately, and i enjoyed stepping into her life again. shes definitely a person that i can step into, into the rooms of her heart, and she lets me walk around pretty freely.
looking at her heart makes me see mine in a new light at times. well, most of the time. i was muchly shocked at some areas that she threw a different light on. the light was not rose colored, but it was real and filled with love.
im thankful for the people that God sets up as sentinels for my heart in different seasons.
i wish i could let some more specifics out; i hate when others are vague. hm. well, i can say this.

ya know how its said girls go for people that are like their dads? i really do that. i see it all the time, its very blatant. and i really tend to shy away from-with something very close to disgust- guys who are like my mom.

there are some traits about my dad, i think, that arent healthy for me to be around. this was hard to look at, and its fresh. last night fresh.
so im struggling with what ive always wanted, and what i think i might need and deserve.
::wow:: and deserve. that just came out.
long pause , in thought.
i deserve someone better than my dad.

ok, so i had an idea where i wanted this post to go, its gone now. like, i dont even remember what i was thinking at the beginning. to be continued..