im standiing in the wonder of a worthwhile storm
made of truth: its ironic
as the lies whip arouond and around
slapping every inch of me
through my lashes i see the glint of what im needing
as it swirls amidst the trash
i need it
i need it.
its mine.
-theres another bit!
as i continue to strain to see, i do
and it continues and theres more.
its compelling me, and im afraid- but this is the storm IM in,
with MY bits being lost to me if i dont meet the
Wind halfway, if i dont extend,
what will all this be about?
it will be about me. swirling about me. swirling. but just
a hazy swirl. people may comment on the color and texture,
and form and shape, temperature and_______
but what? so what?
so i reach.
fear prickles my skin, as does everything in the storm that
cuts, slaps, pokes, and rams.
ifind i can deal with some prickles.
i feel His hand guiding my arm. this isnt comfortable.
i caught some trash.
great.
oh!
i got a piece!
some becoming,
something i am.
the next moment isnt so difficult- and slowly
i will leaern to just stand in the eye
perpetually extended into the storm.
death shall not rob my___________.
death shall not sting my__________.
death shll not kill my____________.
its only a flesh wound.
and, by God, i am so much more than

as i am finding all my glintings and radiances
Abba, i am beginning to love the way you
sprinkle yourself into the midst for me to find
and guide my arm for reaching.

more heather saga. im sorry if this is getting boring. its my life and youre apparently reading it.

i stepped out into a scarey place today- let someone in on my load.
maybe some of its a burden i dont know....i think its just load. i have a hard time letting people hear my load.
loads feel unbearable when cast in lie's light. i hate lies. but when im in bad places, i cant hear anything else. i cant fully reiterate everything leading up to the breaking point, but suffice it to say, when someone who in the past has almost clamored for my attention then forgets to call me when we're supposed to have a lunch date to let me know shes with her family- ew. EW! and i not worth anything right now? this is the question that gets answered with a no in these moments.

my fragility keeps showing up. its like God wants to do something about my hardness. sheesh.

letting kk hold my tears today was hard, and loving. and im really starting to enjoy busting in on peoples family life. and just sitting, and soaking it in.

shout out- everybody, this is gonna get rocky, i can feel it. if youd like to stay in the canoe [yes, we're in a friendcanoe. the ship was pirated], hold on.

"im ready, promotion..."- spongebob squarepants

ive been sleeping a lot lately. this is the first day in a few that i am waking up earlier than 10 30. i wonder if im just catching up, or if im finally releasing some tension and maybe im stressed out about moving and all the things i need to do. the excitement has to be factored in too. enjoying pedersen company in the pedersen home was insightful to me. the words fell out of my mouth that i didnt want to come back to the apt, it was disorganized, boxy, and depressing. :(
im so hoping for my next apt to be homey. for my self to feel settled in this place. i wonder, would i have started to feel that more in this apt if id just decided to stay here and not have my roommate here? are there too many memories that are so broad in content that theres not a good basis for a feeling of settledness?
im just talking all this out for the sake of getting it out. i havent felt good purpose here except for my job. its hard wanting to be a part of more that sits where your heart cry is, and not finding it. im excited about having that now, having more of those places in my heart be utilized. im expectant for feeling settled in the knowing that im a part of something that fills my heart and empties it well all at the same time.