what do i need? its a good question. ive been coming up with some answers. one was apparent yesterday. i cleaned and organized my house, and have come to grips with the fact that it is restful for my soul, brings me peace, and keeps me away from anxiety/ depressed moments to have everything in order- and CLEAN.
simple. but now i know i need it to be kind to myself and others.
its actually hard to name what i need.
i can speak things i want deeply, but how does that link up to my needs? if im wanting something really desperately, theres bound to be a need involved.

this feels like a "finally"

pray with me my friends. just as you read this, you can agree and that is prayer. i am more willing now to do some battling. im tired of being afraid, and thats one thing that Jesus specifically says we have NOT been given. ask him with me, that my pride would be removed and i would not count myself above anyone that needs to have whatever from him that i am in a place to give. i mean, can i not prepare bags for the people i see on the street corners? can i not be ready? this is actually a place of fear above anything else. afraid that now i am responsible, fear that now i have to be aware of more pain around me. now i have to look people in the eyes and care about them. my heart is already there, breaking for people. but if they dont see it, whats the point? "be well and warm"
yea thats worthless.
and i know much can be accomplished through prayer- but do i even take the time to lift people up that i come in contact with? no, im more worried about how their painful interaction has hurt me, and did i perform well in what i did say to them- bleh.

i feel kinda done talking about the fear in that arena.
theres something else id like prayer in, and i think theres fear intertwined with it. but its more of being settled in tension. im constantly sitting in the place of wanting to be with another half. i also know this may not happen. everyone tells me i will marry, and im pretty sure of it too. but there are people that dont marry. and people told them the same thing. God hasnt told me i'll be married. but i still hope. i just would like to not feel this radar so badly. i dont want to meet guys and automatically rate them on the scale of possibility. it feels like im demeaning them. i want to see people how God sees them. yea, these are my prayers.

i feel dead in places. jon and i were talking - well, jon was talking [:)] and describing someone full of life. it felt very far away.

this took me on a little journey with myself. i was thinking about all the things i never do or say or try because im afraid of a bad outcome. im afraid of people enjoying me too- funny, thats something i want pretty desperatly, and am afraid of actually getting it. ive been more real at work lately. for being there day in and out, everyones proven to each other that family/ sisterly love that just doesnt really move. i have better friends at work than in my "social" arena. but it also comes down to- how good of a friend am i? oh, i dont want to sit on that merry go round right now.
i come to this place so often because i long to be heard, this is the one place i get to talk to all of you and you listen . i dont have to wait for you to ask . you dont have to work hard and wait for me to start opening up. everyones off the hook.
i want to quit worrying about myself and love people. but dang it, i cant do that well until i learn how to take care of myself. im finding more and more that i dont know where to start in taking care of myself.
i know less than i did ever before in my life- about how to live it out and about God. he feels very unknown to me, its kinda exccitng. but a little depressing. how much time have i wasted?
makes me think-
i set out on a narrow road, many years ago. hoping i would find true love, along the broken road. i got lost a time or two - wiped my brow, kept pushing through. i couldnt see how every sign pointed straight to you!
every long lost dream led me to where you are. others who broke my heart, they were just northern stars. pointing me on my way, into your loving arms. this much i know is true- that God, you blessed the broken road, that led me straight to you.
yes.
that song is big in my heart right now for all the truth. its what im feeling.

i would like to ask my friends who read this to be bold and speak truth to me- what do you see in me? name it in the moment! im so tired of not communicating whats in my heart. but i dont know anymore if anyone wants to hear it. s oif you see me shut down, say it. if you think im running away or acting like a jerk, speak up. and if this sounds like something youd like ot hear from me , lemme know. im tired of being silent- if you ask me to talk, i just might.