i feel dead in places. jon and i were talking - well, jon was talking [:)] and describing someone full of life. it felt very far away.

this took me on a little journey with myself. i was thinking about all the things i never do or say or try because im afraid of a bad outcome. im afraid of people enjoying me too- funny, thats something i want pretty desperatly, and am afraid of actually getting it. ive been more real at work lately. for being there day in and out, everyones proven to each other that family/ sisterly love that just doesnt really move. i have better friends at work than in my "social" arena. but it also comes down to- how good of a friend am i? oh, i dont want to sit on that merry go round right now.
i come to this place so often because i long to be heard, this is the one place i get to talk to all of you and you listen . i dont have to wait for you to ask . you dont have to work hard and wait for me to start opening up. everyones off the hook.
i want to quit worrying about myself and love people. but dang it, i cant do that well until i learn how to take care of myself. im finding more and more that i dont know where to start in taking care of myself.
i know less than i did ever before in my life- about how to live it out and about God. he feels very unknown to me, its kinda exccitng. but a little depressing. how much time have i wasted?
makes me think-
i set out on a narrow road, many years ago. hoping i would find true love, along the broken road. i got lost a time or two - wiped my brow, kept pushing through. i couldnt see how every sign pointed straight to you!
every long lost dream led me to where you are. others who broke my heart, they were just northern stars. pointing me on my way, into your loving arms. this much i know is true- that God, you blessed the broken road, that led me straight to you.
yes.
that song is big in my heart right now for all the truth. its what im feeling.

i would like to ask my friends who read this to be bold and speak truth to me- what do you see in me? name it in the moment! im so tired of not communicating whats in my heart. but i dont know anymore if anyone wants to hear it. s oif you see me shut down, say it. if you think im running away or acting like a jerk, speak up. and if this sounds like something youd like ot hear from me , lemme know. im tired of being silent- if you ask me to talk, i just might.