-will broke it off [im having a hard time saying "broke up" because im sketchy on the "together"-what is dating, exactly?] last night over email. feel free to call him a coward.
-he mentioned things about me that actually are making me think and have opened some new doors of thought....
-....just in time for grace group! started up tonight. Gods gonna take me to some of those good/ hard places, i can feel it.
-asked will for a time to talk things out, since this was out of the blue [for me]. felt like he misunderstood me in a lot of places. talking this weekend. pray that i am heard, and that i can speak truth to him and make him curious about himself. and that i'll be kind to both of us.
-i wanted someone to do my body outline this time. but i dont know who to ask. feeling alone.
26 January 2011
22 January 2011
just started reading wild at heart tonight. ive wanted to pick it up for a long time, wanted to buy it, knew it was worth reading. something always stopped me. i know a couple of occasions were dictated by the feeling of weirdness for buying it.
i think i always held out to borrow it from someone. linds k moved recently- and just a block away from me! i helped her put her books up the other night. and asked her if i could borrow it.
she had some hesitation in her answer and i felt myself tighten. and i realized how badly ive wanted to read this book.
i got to this point in the second chapter and had to stop. Gods reminding me of his amazingness. hes so incredible and i wonder that i forget hes more real than me, he lets me in on this adventure, he loves risk, he created me a beauty and he fights for me. and then i can fight w him in this - alongside my God. sharing his adventure.
yep, 2 chapters in and im overwhelmed. looking forward to this week a little bit more now, just knowing i have more of this book and his heart to explore.
i think i always held out to borrow it from someone. linds k moved recently- and just a block away from me! i helped her put her books up the other night. and asked her if i could borrow it.
she had some hesitation in her answer and i felt myself tighten. and i realized how badly ive wanted to read this book.
i got to this point in the second chapter and had to stop. Gods reminding me of his amazingness. hes so incredible and i wonder that i forget hes more real than me, he lets me in on this adventure, he loves risk, he created me a beauty and he fights for me. and then i can fight w him in this - alongside my God. sharing his adventure.
yep, 2 chapters in and im overwhelmed. looking forward to this week a little bit more now, just knowing i have more of this book and his heart to explore.
17 January 2011
"wait- itll go through to my heart- youll kill me"
these are words that came out of my mouth in a dream. last night i was somewhere, doing something with a girl. it was quiet and easy. it involved nails. like, hardware.
suddenly, though, i realize shes actually slowly pushing a 1.5 inch diameter nail through my sternum. the dang things about a foot long. shed been working on this for a while and it didnt really hurt, there was just mounting pressure. what ended up coming out of my mouth wasnt fearful so much; i mean, she couldnt just crack through my sternum that easily. but if she kept it up, i knew iit would end in bleeding profusely, and pain. she assured me very calmly and quietly that shed make it go "up," and then something to the effect that it would be fine. that calmed me somehow and i sat there, letting her push away. and then the dream ended. i woke up with a tightness/ weight on my chest. i was like, ok, weird dream.
tonight i was laying in bed thinking and the weight and tightness is with me. its still kinda with me . i got up about 30 min ago and decided i wanted to paint. i wasnt sleepy, anyway. painted out this weird dream. doesnt look cool. its simple and plain. a chest, with a very badly constructed nail, and words.
it helped ease me some. i wouldve rather painted something lovely, something happy. the weight isnt gone. and God is silent.
i want to make this about me, and my little life because i was in the dream ,and it was happening to me. i ask him to bring some meaning to my dreams sometimes. i dont know if he ever does. sometimes i'll have random flashes of premonition in my dreams, and so things like this scare me. ::not that i think someones going to shove a huge nail in my chest and i'll just go along with it!::
but i just am in tune with wondering what it means.
im worried im making wrong choices and i dont know how to find peace about it. im worried about getting hurt. God hasnt stopped me from really bad choices before; i had decided on them and wanted them. and i didnt listen. i made a show of listening. i used words to God that said i wanted to follow .
now that the senario is more "right," im more worried about not being able to decipher whats ok. its like ive done this before, but not. im fighting lies all the way.
telling me im wrong, im doing things poorly.
that the things that are said to me arent true.
that im more invested / deeper emotionally than he.
im afraid this isnt going to work out and i'll look like a complete fool. i get this picture of being in a public place and being told i am completely wrong about him, and everyone seeing.
im afraid to show my joy.
i want to be brave .
i dont want to lead.
i want to wait.
i want to rest.
i want to enjoy.
i want to have these good things, and not get distraught and focused on all the negative.
i dont know how to communicate. ive never been so quiet and shy in my life. this all is making me think of the first verse of a sixpencenonethericher song. actually, the first verse feels like my heart right now.
I guess you could say I'm a little afraid
What if you go away?
I've seen it before
I've been there before
If I have to love myself
Tell me how to love myself
What's there to love about myself?
I just wanted to see that as a person you want me
But I'm feeling the pain of all these bags in the way
And I'm thinking you're just gonna run away
And I can't catch you
I guess you could say
That I want you to stay
'Cause you have this strange knack
Adds a glow to my black
As you chase it all away
And I hope that you can see
I will someday leave these things
I am waiting to be free
But I'm feeling the pain of all these bags in the way
And I'm thinking you're just gonna run away
And I can't catch you
Oh, I want to catch you
suddenly, though, i realize shes actually slowly pushing a 1.5 inch diameter nail through my sternum. the dang things about a foot long. shed been working on this for a while and it didnt really hurt, there was just mounting pressure. what ended up coming out of my mouth wasnt fearful so much; i mean, she couldnt just crack through my sternum that easily. but if she kept it up, i knew iit would end in bleeding profusely, and pain. she assured me very calmly and quietly that shed make it go "up," and then something to the effect that it would be fine. that calmed me somehow and i sat there, letting her push away. and then the dream ended. i woke up with a tightness/ weight on my chest. i was like, ok, weird dream.
tonight i was laying in bed thinking and the weight and tightness is with me. its still kinda with me . i got up about 30 min ago and decided i wanted to paint. i wasnt sleepy, anyway. painted out this weird dream. doesnt look cool. its simple and plain. a chest, with a very badly constructed nail, and words.
it helped ease me some. i wouldve rather painted something lovely, something happy. the weight isnt gone. and God is silent.
i want to make this about me, and my little life because i was in the dream ,and it was happening to me. i ask him to bring some meaning to my dreams sometimes. i dont know if he ever does. sometimes i'll have random flashes of premonition in my dreams, and so things like this scare me. ::not that i think someones going to shove a huge nail in my chest and i'll just go along with it!::
but i just am in tune with wondering what it means.
im worried im making wrong choices and i dont know how to find peace about it. im worried about getting hurt. God hasnt stopped me from really bad choices before; i had decided on them and wanted them. and i didnt listen. i made a show of listening. i used words to God that said i wanted to follow .
now that the senario is more "right," im more worried about not being able to decipher whats ok. its like ive done this before, but not. im fighting lies all the way.
telling me im wrong, im doing things poorly.
that the things that are said to me arent true.
that im more invested / deeper emotionally than he.
im afraid this isnt going to work out and i'll look like a complete fool. i get this picture of being in a public place and being told i am completely wrong about him, and everyone seeing.
im afraid to show my joy.
i want to be brave .
i dont want to lead.
i want to wait.
i want to rest.
i want to enjoy.
i want to have these good things, and not get distraught and focused on all the negative.
i dont know how to communicate. ive never been so quiet and shy in my life. this all is making me think of the first verse of a sixpencenonethericher song. actually, the first verse feels like my heart right now.
I guess you could say I'm a little afraid
What if you go away?
I've seen it before
I've been there before
If I have to love myself
Tell me how to love myself
What's there to love about myself?
I just wanted to see that as a person you want me
But I'm feeling the pain of all these bags in the way
And I'm thinking you're just gonna run away
And I can't catch you
I guess you could say
That I want you to stay
'Cause you have this strange knack
Adds a glow to my black
As you chase it all away
And I hope that you can see
I will someday leave these things
I am waiting to be free
But I'm feeling the pain of all these bags in the way
And I'm thinking you're just gonna run away
And I can't catch you
Oh, I want to catch you
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