these are words that came out of my mouth in a dream. last night i was somewhere, doing something with a girl. it was quiet and easy. it involved nails. like, hardware.
suddenly, though, i realize shes actually slowly pushing a 1.5 inch diameter nail through my sternum. the dang things about a foot long. shed been working on this for a while and it didnt really hurt, there was just mounting pressure. what ended up coming out of my mouth wasnt fearful so much; i mean, she couldnt just crack through my sternum that easily. but if she kept it up, i knew iit would end in bleeding profusely, and pain. she assured me very calmly and quietly that shed make it go "up," and then something to the effect that it would be fine. that calmed me somehow and i sat there, letting her push away. and then the dream ended. i woke up with a tightness/ weight on my chest. i was like, ok, weird dream.
tonight i was laying in bed thinking and the weight and tightness is with me. its still kinda with me . i got up about 30 min ago and decided i wanted to paint. i wasnt sleepy, anyway. painted out this weird dream. doesnt look cool. its simple and plain. a chest, with a very badly constructed nail, and words.
it helped ease me some. i wouldve rather painted something lovely, something happy. the weight isnt gone. and God is silent.
i want to make this about me, and my little life because i was in the dream ,and it was happening to me. i ask him to bring some meaning to my dreams sometimes. i dont know if he ever does. sometimes i'll have random flashes of premonition in my dreams, and so things like this scare me. ::not that i think someones going to shove a huge nail in my chest and i'll just go along with it!::
but i just am in tune with wondering what it means.
im worried im making wrong choices and i dont know how to find peace about it. im worried about getting hurt. God hasnt stopped me from really bad choices before; i had decided on them and wanted them. and i didnt listen. i made a show of listening. i used words to God that said i wanted to follow .
now that the senario is more "right," im more worried about not being able to decipher whats ok. its like ive done this before, but not. im fighting lies all the way.
telling me im wrong, im doing things poorly.
that the things that are said to me arent true.
that im more invested / deeper emotionally than he.
im afraid this isnt going to work out and i'll look like a complete fool. i get this picture of being in a public place and being told i am completely wrong about him, and everyone seeing.
im afraid to show my joy.
i want to be brave .
i dont want to lead.
i want to wait.
i want to rest.
i want to enjoy.
i want to have these good things, and not get distraught and focused on all the negative.
i dont know how to communicate. ive never been so quiet and shy in my life. this all is making me think of the first verse of a sixpencenonethericher song. actually, the first verse feels like my heart right now.
I guess you could say I'm a little afraid
What if you go away?
I've seen it before
I've been there before
If I have to love myself
Tell me how to love myself
What's there to love about myself?
I just wanted to see that as a person you want me
But I'm feeling the pain of all these bags in the way
And I'm thinking you're just gonna run away
And I can't catch you
I guess you could say
That I want you to stay
'Cause you have this strange knack
Adds a glow to my black
As you chase it all away
And I hope that you can see
I will someday leave these things
I am waiting to be free
But I'm feeling the pain of all these bags in the way
And I'm thinking you're just gonna run away
And I can't catch you
Oh, I want to catch you
Heather - I've read this a few times this morning and I've found myself wishing I had some beautiful words. I think I maybe put a lot of pressure on myself for blog comments which sounds stupid, but it's true.
ReplyDeleteAnyway....I don't know if I have any good words for you. Other than - I know. I know where your heart is and I've been there and I hear you and get you and I just know. I love your bravery and vulnerability friend.
First I would like to ask, did you delete a blog? I thought there was more, but I didn't look at the older posts... ANYWAY
ReplyDeleteThose lyrics are lovely. I can or have been able to totally relate to all of that. That was a weird dream and I'm sure you have some vague idea about what it could mean. I have found lately that when I feel myself going to the negative thoughts, I have to just shut them out. I used to have this internal fight going on and it would just drive me crazier. Now I just focus on the externals. what is going on around me? What could I be doing besides fighting myself haha. I'm not sure if I'm being clear or helpful in anyway, but I thought I'd share.
Heather, I hope you find the strength to get past the negative, (I know you can do it) and allow yourself to get all the good things that you want.
[SIGH]. [Another deep SIGH].
ReplyDeleteI can see you getter stronger... growing. I can see that it hurts, but I also see purpose in it, Heather. Thanks for sharing.
PS: I like the new look of the blog.