cooked chicken this afternoon. i was going to invite people over to eat; glad now that i didnt. what i thought might take 40 min took about 3 hours . dont ask. im not sure.

going to a hockey game this afternoon/ evening. kinda excited, never been. i think i like sports more now as im older. i appreciate them more, and theres something in there about knowing i could do the sport, if i had wanted. my feelings of ineptitude as a child with anything group sporty made me pretty much detest all sports not swimming or running. sad.
anyway. romania is real. a friend today asked me multiple times- are you going? is it 100% ? i was like , sure! yea, i mean, if i get the money...
later she asked me again. i had to really really say, yes, im going. there was something in that exchange that felt like peter and Jesus.
i was wavering, wondering if i should start saving as much as possible to contribute to the "fund." i was going to - and somehow, after today God showed me my lack of trust in him. not just in the area off finances, but how that just spills out everywhere once we give it a foothold in one place.

i dont want romania to be just another thing on my list of to-dos for the summer. its squeezed in between kids club, and weddings, and parties, and supporting my cousin in her stock car racing, and other things. my mind is so full.
on a personal note, ive blatantly disobeyed Gods word, and this is the first time i dont feel distanced from him- and guys, it was violent- and the first time i have no idea how to be different.

how do we get to those moments of broken posture? i seem to just stumble into them. id like to go there purposefully sometime. im wanting to go there purposefully this time.

ive been pessimistic lately. [duh. right? sorry. and thank you for everyone that has been near]

weird epiphany, that ive always known but never given clarity to - i can have tons of joy, hope, and celebration for everyone else but me .
that needs to change.


next thought-
today was good!! i made a conscience decision to be glad about my life and my day and the people around me, and focus on them. and i had some really great convos w people at work, and one REALLY encouraged me. shes semi new and i found out today shes a pretty strong believer- from what she said. unless shes just spiritualizing her break up w her fiancee. which could be the case. but i think not.

last night i read some bible ::go me!:: and stumbled over this psalm i know ive read before. KNOW> because its right before 119. and dear Jesus, you know when youve gotten to that one. and you feel horrible for skipping over it cuz its boring, and then you think there must be some hidden amazingness, otherwise why is it here? and you read it. [ive done that w leviticus and numbers and such, too. ]
psalm 118. it would sound familiar to you. its known for the first and some of the middle.
im going to put out here the things that jumped out and grabbed me by the heart
in my anguish i cried to the Lord, he answered by setting me free! what can man do to me?he is with me and my helper- i will triumph over my enemies.
it is better to take refuge in the Lord than ot trust in man. it is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in princes.
i am surrounded, but in his name i will cut them off. i am surrounded, but i will cut them off by the name of the Lord. i am swarmingly surrounded, but in the name of the Lord i will cut them off. i was pushed back and about to fall, but the Lord helped me . he is my strength and my song.
the Lords hand has done mighty things! [X3]
the Lord has chastened me severely, but he has not given me over to death. i will live and not die, and proclaim joy and victory.
his love endures.

the repetition really poured into me.
my enemies of doubt and shame and filth and just all the freakin lies are not enough to kill me- and i have a warrior on my side! the warrior from which all warriors are formed.
id rather sometimes he fight for me in different ways. but he knows all of me and still chooses me because he is beautiful in his decisions.