ive been pessimistic lately. [duh. right? sorry. and thank you for everyone that has been near]

weird epiphany, that ive always known but never given clarity to - i can have tons of joy, hope, and celebration for everyone else but me .
that needs to change.


next thought-
today was good!! i made a conscience decision to be glad about my life and my day and the people around me, and focus on them. and i had some really great convos w people at work, and one REALLY encouraged me. shes semi new and i found out today shes a pretty strong believer- from what she said. unless shes just spiritualizing her break up w her fiancee. which could be the case. but i think not.

last night i read some bible ::go me!:: and stumbled over this psalm i know ive read before. KNOW> because its right before 119. and dear Jesus, you know when youve gotten to that one. and you feel horrible for skipping over it cuz its boring, and then you think there must be some hidden amazingness, otherwise why is it here? and you read it. [ive done that w leviticus and numbers and such, too. ]
psalm 118. it would sound familiar to you. its known for the first and some of the middle.
im going to put out here the things that jumped out and grabbed me by the heart
in my anguish i cried to the Lord, he answered by setting me free! what can man do to me?he is with me and my helper- i will triumph over my enemies.
it is better to take refuge in the Lord than ot trust in man. it is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in princes.
i am surrounded, but in his name i will cut them off. i am surrounded, but i will cut them off by the name of the Lord. i am swarmingly surrounded, but in the name of the Lord i will cut them off. i was pushed back and about to fall, but the Lord helped me . he is my strength and my song.
the Lords hand has done mighty things! [X3]
the Lord has chastened me severely, but he has not given me over to death. i will live and not die, and proclaim joy and victory.
his love endures.

the repetition really poured into me.
my enemies of doubt and shame and filth and just all the freakin lies are not enough to kill me- and i have a warrior on my side! the warrior from which all warriors are formed.
id rather sometimes he fight for me in different ways. but he knows all of me and still chooses me because he is beautiful in his decisions.