wow. i havent been "here" in a long time. feels weird to not have more of my life documented here.
bed bugs may still be present. spraying again myself this weekend.
a couple people suggested moving and i felt that was an easy way out and an abandonment. i dont want to run from my problems . and , that being said, if we cant get this gone by the time my lease is up- oct- i think i will move.
i suggested that if maybe the problem continues, we would have to do more extensive work. theres a part of my manager that feels like shes still in denial with how serious this could be. but i cant force anything and ive been thankful where this has created a voice for me towards her.

saw my cousin stock car race saturday night----OH MY GOSH so much fun!!!! i never thought id enjoy something so inherently redneck.
it was awesome to spend time with her and it was WAYYYY too short.
the next morning we sleepily had breakfast w her boyfriend at the waffle house. i love breakfast out. thats my most favorite thing to eat out. its just so fun to be so sleepy, and its sunny, or not, but mornings are always beautiful, and you get up and out for the express purpose of eating great food and lounging while sipping coffee......its just amazing .
tomorrow one of my dear co- workers is taking me to lunch at audens kitchen and i hope to find something breakfasty. if not, some coffee will have to suffice.
maybe thats why i enjoy coffee and tea so much! its the whole morning aura of cozy morningness.
ok.
so ive been taking time to be with the Lord, and after that great breakfast time, i went to memorial mall in houston because i had nothing to do for a couple hours before going to chat w shelleys mom about the wedd.
had church in the mall. it was perfect, and desperate. reminded me why i was alive . i was struck with the fact that at the very least, God wants to LOOK at people and SMILE at people and let them know their wrong order at starbucks isnt worth the sigh and scowl at the barista that has more than their drink on her mind, and that theyre cherished by someone far more capable than me , but i'll do what i can.
i wish for rain, but i forget that the river runs deep and i just have to dig to use it.
i held a baby today and she was so comfortable. its rare that a baby will let you take her completely away from her mom, sit her in a weird chair, give her a toothbrush, and shes ok with it all!
i found out why im shy to go up to babies and ask their moms if i can hold them. it hurts.

as much as i want to read everyones blog and get all caught up, i need to put all the love out that has just been slathered on me today!!
EVERYONE at work wished me a happy birthday- i thought that was so cool! it was like they were really hoping for wonderfulness for me .
i got some really wonderful unexpected gifts and im still just blown away. today- TODAY- i received over 300 dollars.
how is that even possible!? and some from my sis and bro- in- law, and they dont have alot. totally giving to me out of their lack and loving me well.
i got to see them which was so amazing.
all my friends got along at dinner:-D even though they didnt know each other. thats truely beautiful to me and there felt like so much joy in the room.. maybe it was just me. but it was so good to feel.
im standing in awe at this turned tables- right after all this difficulty im having w the kids club and bed bugs and thinking about all this stuff i have to do monetarily for the summer...... and all my worries just vanished today. the kids stuff started vanishing sat nite. my summer has expanded w more possibility because of that and im wanting to do bible studies and thinking about mentoring at colonial hills. but something just feels greater. like bigger. theres so much more to our lives than what we think God wants to do. i am getting a taste.
its like the cake jes brought to celebrate me tonight. it was double layer, coconut icing. the actual icing couldve been a cake in itself. it was stacked.
it was so over the top and definitely could satisfy 30 people. it weighed 5 lbs 6 oz. thats more than me when i was born. it was extravagant.
today was extravagant.

i have to tell yall this. so, sick yesterday, right? recovering my strength today. went pretty well. i love gatorade. really do. its tastey. bad for your teeth. drink it in gulps and swish w water right after.

beside the very cool point. WHY/HOW is God doing all of this at once?!
ok. went wedd dress shopping w linds, and lo: behold.
she found the dress today. that like, never happens. usually never. and hardly ever at davids bridal, in my experiences w friends. that took up a good portion of the day. im really trying to get to the point.
thinking about weddings and all the things that ask for money with them.
i love giving physically. its major for me. i have this much >< money.
i started off crying in bed about how much of me and i of him we are missing. that grieves me beyond anything lately.
it went to being SO frustrated that i cant give as much in presents and such - i cant lavish on my 2 best friends --pause for crying
and i wondered[thanks God]what part of this was selfish.
apparently a good chunk! dont want to have to pay attention/ be responsible w money. its wearisome. takes too much time to balance and plan.
the other part is deeper.
theres a generational curse. both my grandmothers found a place to love us through money and giving. one, for my whole life - and just recently her funds are not what they were.
the other , she always would take us out and buy presents- not crazily so. then when my grandpa died she had all this money and was this amazing benefactress. she loved being able to buy us whatever we liked. it truely gave her joy.
both grandmothers found this as a way to make sure people stayed around.
my lie is this. if i dont give, people wont love me.
its ok to receive from others and not pay them back ::shudder:: theres so much shame there.
i broke the lie tonight. but i 'll bet theres layers.