found out 2 days ago that i dont really believe that Gods ever going to give me a husband [ i should say my, but ]
found out today that ive always looked at generational curses as something hurting my parents, grandparents, and me... maybe others around me- but never that i need to stop the cycle for my children. i havent believed that hed really give me children.

looking at some old friends' pics ....seeing how old their children are....
that kind of life seems so far away. so unattainable. one of my friends is getting a glorious house built with beautiful scenery surrounding, and her cute boys and husband,

and im painfully aware of these things being idols for me. and ive learned recently that i cant make my mind or heart different on this matter, and God has to do it.
i dont know if any of yall have ever noticed, but he never seems to do things when we want them done. how long is this going to take.
im reminded over and over my sin of ingratitude. trying to start speaking thankfulness about my life, and the people that ARE in it. thankfulness to the being and action of God.

im a little slow with whats new and cool. so this song is new to me. i get tired of listening to my cds and klove every once in a blue moon, and this has been one of those times. i cycle through country, jazz, r&b/techno/dance, and tejano. yea, you read that right. i kinda go through them in that order, too. country's always been the first go-to. anyway. we're not here to talk about country- although theres some really great songs out.
i heard this today and was able to let my soul sing to the Lord. and, yes, guys, its a romantic guy/girl song. the great thing about being a woman is that its just a tinge easier to sing love songs to God. because we have this inherited view of God being male [although he is neither gender and more. but thats another days' discussion].

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VyR7yoDBQSg

i was slow today, a good slow. there was enough time, enough chai latte, enough walking in the sun and sweating, enough of me feeling beautiful in a dress i love and hardly wear because i like it to feel special. there was a centered-ness, and a quietness. God spoke. thanks tim and jon for the book Redemption. there are things said , things being spoken to some deep places. i havent had time to write out all my reflections..
i have been here 5 years now. this is the weekend i moved here.
i remember the weird sterile type smell of the new apt i was in, the stark lack of furniture, trying to make the things id brought from my bedroom back home work a living room. the absolute NOTHING to do. sitting a few feet from my tiny tv, since it was my only friend.
journaling and drawing and using all the weekends with no friends as a place to heal from the wreckage that had conveniently just ended that summer back home.
i remember buying my first couch about a month or two later, cuz in my mind there was NO WAY id have my first Christmas here without a couch to snuggle on.
3 [kinda 4] apts later, way older, way different, and yet more of me.

this weekend has felt holy unto the Lord, its felt touched.
and im being sifted. kinda hard, looking at where ive really placed my hope and desires. God gives and he takes away. and hes right. and hes good.