i have just spent 2.5 hours [at least!] switching over the main bulk of my email to a new address. i have some stuff in the old one i havent pulled over yet.. wanna go through it and delete as much as possible. anyway. all that to say, ive been cutting and pasting, reading and deleting and emailing and streamlining ON MY BUTT for over 2 hours. thats more than watching a movie.
im so thankful that God gave me the desire to get that done, tho.
another thing i am "great"ful for is all the great stuff that was accomplished today and yesterday in regards to kids club!! we are getting organized! my apt is getting organized to accommodate the kids better! im getting more disciplined! im learning how to discipline kindly and well.

im finding out, this woman [ me] doesnt communicate that well. and im very much a critical realist. it gets a bad light- sometimes people think im pessimistic, and sometimes i think im pessimistic and it gets me depressed. but i had some wonderful people encourage me through talking about all this kids club stuff, and im excited, and getting refreshed.
thank you God.

my hearts in a really different place then last time. thank God! he pulled me slowly out and i am more free. today in church i sat with the problem of adultery, as i have it towards the Lord and i was almost grieved- maybe shocked is a better word- at the horribleness of this sin towards him; this constant sin. and i thought about how i have it so wrong, the punishing part. i think God gave me this because it opened my heart, and i see clearer than i ever have, that i am his treasure! his jealousy is lovely and wonderful and HE LOVES ME. and he WANTS me, and i dont have to pay. he did that. I DONT have to PAY. so i may not feel badly about doing wrong, or being disobedient, but if i know its wrong, i say im sorry and move in the better direction. i can choose to take that harder better road he has planned. hes with me on that. he knows the next part.

something shifted today after that. my interactions w other people felt so loving. it felt distant too- like i was watching, instead of really being there. i wasnt there, but i was. i dont know if that makes sense. im pretty sure God was just moving me out of the way.

it felt so different just looking at others lives. jon up on stage, being a missionary all of a sudden in alot of peoples eyes. tim leading a team overseas. watching/ listening to jenny grow into having her own place w furniture. seeing josh deal, struggle, and live with failure. connecting w sarah and rejoicing in brainstorming explosively ingenious ideas for her fantasy role playing game. resting in safe and comfortable presence of friends i dont feel the need to entertain- when i dont really know them all that well! [chelle drew 'los caleb]. samantha somehow being connected to me :)

im living my life, and today was so life- ful. not the doing, but interacting w the people in it. there was a vibrancy about everything that was making me so aware of it and others, and i was kinda in awe. but i didnt realize that until driving home tonight. it was a peaceful awe, a place where there was enough energy, enough time. enough responsible thinking and enough hope and joy. enough love for others and i wasnt in the picture and it was good.
did i just get a taste of selflessness?!
we should have church on friday. i dont know why this stuff always happens on sunday, and im longing for more free time to unpack.

it was really hard to come home tonight alone. to an alone apt. i generalized something about myself- on the way home i was reminded and knew it was a fear. i feel my scope of ability and opportunity is closing.. there used to be ways i felt about what i could do, and the time i had to do it in, etc . life felt so full of possibility. it doesnt feel like that right now.
so many people are moving. not just moving locations to live somewhere else, but their lives are moving. theyre doing things that are passions and their passions still give them joy in the anticipation, planning, and action.
i feel like im turning into one of those small people. furtive, papery people.
i was mean to my friends and petty tonight, and looking back on that, i know a deep pain in me that really loves to have people around, and knowing i cant show them all of my heart that i would like to because theres not enough time, i end up not giving any and then im holding all this feeling and thought and it makes me tired.

i want leave for a little bit. i need to get away . and i cant because there are obligations. bills. promises [ good promises].
i feel like ive been asking God for whatever im needing, and i dont know that its being given and im slowly dying.