my hearts in a really different place then last time. thank God! he pulled me slowly out and i am more free. today in church i sat with the problem of adultery, as i have it towards the Lord and i was almost grieved- maybe shocked is a better word- at the horribleness of this sin towards him; this constant sin. and i thought about how i have it so wrong, the punishing part. i think God gave me this because it opened my heart, and i see clearer than i ever have, that i am his treasure! his jealousy is lovely and wonderful and HE LOVES ME. and he WANTS me, and i dont have to pay. he did that. I DONT have to PAY. so i may not feel badly about doing wrong, or being disobedient, but if i know its wrong, i say im sorry and move in the better direction. i can choose to take that harder better road he has planned. hes with me on that. he knows the next part.

something shifted today after that. my interactions w other people felt so loving. it felt distant too- like i was watching, instead of really being there. i wasnt there, but i was. i dont know if that makes sense. im pretty sure God was just moving me out of the way.

it felt so different just looking at others lives. jon up on stage, being a missionary all of a sudden in alot of peoples eyes. tim leading a team overseas. watching/ listening to jenny grow into having her own place w furniture. seeing josh deal, struggle, and live with failure. connecting w sarah and rejoicing in brainstorming explosively ingenious ideas for her fantasy role playing game. resting in safe and comfortable presence of friends i dont feel the need to entertain- when i dont really know them all that well! [chelle drew 'los caleb]. samantha somehow being connected to me :)

im living my life, and today was so life- ful. not the doing, but interacting w the people in it. there was a vibrancy about everything that was making me so aware of it and others, and i was kinda in awe. but i didnt realize that until driving home tonight. it was a peaceful awe, a place where there was enough energy, enough time. enough responsible thinking and enough hope and joy. enough love for others and i wasnt in the picture and it was good.
did i just get a taste of selflessness?!
we should have church on friday. i dont know why this stuff always happens on sunday, and im longing for more free time to unpack.