it was really hard to come home tonight alone. to an alone apt. i generalized something about myself- on the way home i was reminded and knew it was a fear. i feel my scope of ability and opportunity is closing.. there used to be ways i felt about what i could do, and the time i had to do it in, etc . life felt so full of possibility. it doesnt feel like that right now.
so many people are moving. not just moving locations to live somewhere else, but their lives are moving. theyre doing things that are passions and their passions still give them joy in the anticipation, planning, and action.
i feel like im turning into one of those small people. furtive, papery people.
i was mean to my friends and petty tonight, and looking back on that, i know a deep pain in me that really loves to have people around, and knowing i cant show them all of my heart that i would like to because theres not enough time, i end up not giving any and then im holding all this feeling and thought and it makes me tired.

i want leave for a little bit. i need to get away . and i cant because there are obligations. bills. promises [ good promises].
i feel like ive been asking God for whatever im needing, and i dont know that its being given and im slowly dying.