im going to write what is hard to admit. what feels weird and out of place and not worthy to be felt.

i am in a grief over kids club that is depressing. ive cleaned out some things and got rid of some things. it felt kinda normal to cry over that, because im a little emotional at times. and sentimental.

the random moments when i have to talk to the kids, and it dawns on them that its probably never going to happen again- it kills me to see their faces then. i have let them down. i told some boys today that sometimes God does some things i dont understand but i still trust him that he loves me.
i hope they really heard that.
my body is really tired. and i feel like im carrying alot of weights, but i cant name them. and when i finally do name them, theres no relief.its just as heavy. understanding doesnt bring peace here.

im going to be really vulnerable and write out for you something that i wrote out for myself...i was hoping it would shed light on my heart and give me direction. it hasnt. but im leaving it up for me to continue to look at.

"God has given me possession of talents and "land"-how do i take hold of what i already have?
what do i have?

hospitality                        children here  -hang out, talk after school                        sex trafficking ministry
acts of service                  children @woodlawn every other tues                           giving monetarily to that?
encouragement                friend fellowship dinner (continue tues nite?)                    or going?
discernment                     singles group
ministry starting?               --dinners?                                                                     social work schooling for
prayer                              --monthly hangout?                                                       foster care?
                                       --mentor/accountability

this is what my head and heart are sitting w right now. along with this, im seeing more opportunity at work for bringing some people closer to God, and He is giving those opportunities. but it involves becoming more involved with their lives. that takes time and effort and intentionality.  its draining. i need God.

i felt this coming a couple days ago, when joyce mentioned that she was having meetings w rick and rueben, but not saying why.
due to liability [safety of the children], we cant have kids club. we've looked to see if there are any options- as of right now there are none.
its weird to hear it talked about in years. 3 years. doesnt seem that long. i came home and looked at the white board on my wall and the little trays on my floor- heck, the amount of open space in my living room- and just wondered. do i hold onto this stuff? do i give it to joyce?

the boys in the apt complex have been pretty--um, rambunctious--lately and mrs mcginty has been going outside just to be with them, so they dont get too crazy and start throwing rocks, etc.
i had a thought of going out when i can after school and just staying out there with a cooler of water, and just hangin out. being available. so that is my next step, Lord willing. and im running it by the manager tomorrow.
God never takes away to give less.

"The contradiction comes when I realize that all these experiences and emotions were real. The happiness that gave me chill bumps was as deep as my loneliness. My sense of certainty about being exactly where God wanted me was solid, but just as firm was the fact that sometimes I wondered at times what on earth I was doing here. The frustration that threatened to overtake me on some occasions was just as deep and true as the unbounded joy I felt at other times. I loved my new life; I truly loved it. But compared to the life I had been living, it was hard."
Katie Davis, Kisses from Katie


this is from a book, obviously. and one that im reading[ again, prob pretty obvious.]
it just resonated. i understand her here.
thats all about that topic for now.

im here in corpus w my family. feeling like im getting some vacay rest is good. but every time i come back, i see more clearly some aspects of my family that are so out of whack and i get hit again with chains of bondage lashing out at me; im not sure if im giving in or not.
i hold my family together well. they function better when im around. its like im a link sometimes between my brother and my parents, between my grandma and my parents, between my parents themselves.  theres darkness here thats sneaky- like, you wonder if its darkness really, after a few hours.
........is it really all that bad?
........thats just how we are...


the good things about being here this weekend are that God gave me specific and purposeful time with both parents, my grandma, and noah. jess--duuno if im gonna see her. didnt feel that meeting up with her was a need in my heart as i was driving down.
i spoke boldly  and mostly kindly. its a progress.
 noahs probably going to stay living in durango, CO, after he finishes the camp there this summer.

 i love my parents and respect them greatly more than i ever have in my life. AND i am sorrowful how they have decided to interact w us kids at times.  i am sorrowful over how i decide to act sometimes.
my dad said something pretty awesome. i think it has truth- that we're all connected, our immediate family. and not just physically, but whatever is happening spiritually- it is transmitted in a way to the others. i want more for my family now, and i want more for my family in the future, and i want more for my family that i hope to build.
so, kinda  a long snapshot of what it feels like to come back. beauty and love and known, and frustration and tension. i know yall can relate.