"The contradiction comes when I realize that all these experiences and emotions were real. The happiness that gave me chill bumps was as deep as my loneliness. My sense of certainty about being exactly where God wanted me was solid, but just as firm was the fact that sometimes I wondered at times what on earth I was doing here. The frustration that threatened to overtake me on some occasions was just as deep and true as the unbounded joy I felt at other times. I loved my new life; I truly loved it. But compared to the life I had been living, it was hard."
Katie Davis, Kisses from Katie


this is from a book, obviously. and one that im reading[ again, prob pretty obvious.]
it just resonated. i understand her here.
thats all about that topic for now.

im here in corpus w my family. feeling like im getting some vacay rest is good. but every time i come back, i see more clearly some aspects of my family that are so out of whack and i get hit again with chains of bondage lashing out at me; im not sure if im giving in or not.
i hold my family together well. they function better when im around. its like im a link sometimes between my brother and my parents, between my grandma and my parents, between my parents themselves.  theres darkness here thats sneaky- like, you wonder if its darkness really, after a few hours.
........is it really all that bad?
........thats just how we are...


the good things about being here this weekend are that God gave me specific and purposeful time with both parents, my grandma, and noah. jess--duuno if im gonna see her. didnt feel that meeting up with her was a need in my heart as i was driving down.
i spoke boldly  and mostly kindly. its a progress.
 noahs probably going to stay living in durango, CO, after he finishes the camp there this summer.

 i love my parents and respect them greatly more than i ever have in my life. AND i am sorrowful how they have decided to interact w us kids at times.  i am sorrowful over how i decide to act sometimes.
my dad said something pretty awesome. i think it has truth- that we're all connected, our immediate family. and not just physically, but whatever is happening spiritually- it is transmitted in a way to the others. i want more for my family now, and i want more for my family in the future, and i want more for my family that i hope to build.
so, kinda  a long snapshot of what it feels like to come back. beauty and love and known, and frustration and tension. i know yall can relate.