im going to write what is hard to admit. what feels weird and out of place and not worthy to be felt.
i am in a grief over kids club that is depressing. ive cleaned out some things and got rid of some things. it felt kinda normal to cry over that, because im a little emotional at times. and sentimental.
the random moments when i have to talk to the kids, and it dawns on them that its probably never going to happen again- it kills me to see their faces then. i have let them down. i told some boys today that sometimes God does some things i dont understand but i still trust him that he loves me.
i hope they really heard that.
my body is really tired. and i feel like im carrying alot of weights, but i cant name them. and when i finally do name them, theres no relief.its just as heavy. understanding doesnt bring peace here.
im going to be really vulnerable and write out for you something that i wrote out for myself...i was hoping it would shed light on my heart and give me direction. it hasnt. but im leaving it up for me to continue to look at.
"God has given me possession of talents and "land"-how do i take hold of what i already have?
what do i have?
hospitality children here -hang out, talk after school sex trafficking ministry
acts of service children @woodlawn every other tues giving monetarily to that?
encouragement friend fellowship dinner (continue tues nite?) or going?
discernment singles group
ministry starting? --dinners? social work schooling for
prayer --monthly hangout? foster care?
--mentor/accountability
this is what my head and heart are sitting w right now. along with this, im seeing more opportunity at work for bringing some people closer to God, and He is giving those opportunities. but it involves becoming more involved with their lives. that takes time and effort and intentionality. its draining. i need God.
Service and ministry can leave anyone feeling drained. And for me, I've realized that it's important that if I am going to be pouring my time and life and heart into someone else, then I need to be poured into. And some of that is done by spending time with God of course. And some of that is by someone pouring into me directly - being a real-life Jesus so-to-speak.
ReplyDeleteAnd I don't intend for this to sound advicey to you at all - because you are wise and know how to care well for your heart. I just want to encourage you to remember that you need some soaking in too for all that can be drained out of you with ministry and all of these beautiful places God has put a call on your heart for.
<3 Love you and miss your face. Excited about the potential of you being at my little summer study - hoping that it can leave you feeling poured into friend.