i would like to give something of my self that is tender tonight. i dont know what those words are[well, something just popped in my head!]
im sorry. i am rough and caustic and critical and i hurt you incessantly. ive beaten you with my words and facial expressions and tone. i cant stop.  and somehow i never seem to be  able to stop myself and tell you im sorry in the moment.
im upset that i make you uncomfortable when i blurt out whatevers  on my mind.
this will probably never be read by those that need to hear it the most. thank God he heals up the stuff we cant go back and fix.

on a lighter note~i have nothing to do tomorrow after work! i dont even have any errands! unreal. today i had more time after work than i usually do, and didnt have many things at all to get done, and i cried of the goodness of it.
im strikingly aware of being very tender right now, and the past couple days have been nothing but me metering out the tender, or covering it entirely.
but tonight it is cool, and work has been manageable, and it might rain:) im hopeful for more tomorrow.

i dont really have time to do this. i should be going to bed. but if i dont make time to process my heart, none of this will be seen by me and it will just slip away. i am sorrowfully frustrated and quizzical about this transition.  theres not a clear ending point.  not a certain move, not a shift in job, not a specific jump of any kind. its hard to define the physical, and therefore i have a hard time defining what is going on for me.
tim and jon are gone and somehow it just makes things different. knowing that a large chunk of my heart time with friends is going to be empty ( is emptying) is like trying to , i dunno. stay focused on a gnat 2 inches in front of me while  keeping an eye on the pitch that i think is coming tm my glove any minute.
sam is in and out this summer.  drews leaving.
kara, david, and some others are going to the czech, and i want to go. and that is not in my timeframe right now. every day as i see the kids here randomly,  or less, or more....
all the little holes in my heart are becoming one big hole. i wonder about all these things, if i am giving them enough time. am i loving my friends well? i dont feel like it. am i available enough to these kiddos? probably not.

and the girl (thats me, if you were wondering) that seemed to always know what to say, doesnt anymore. had some really specific moments at work where i had opportunity to say something timely, and literally nothing came. all i could think of were trite and cliche things . things not appropriate for real life .
there are moments when i want to inquire about someones heart more, ask if i can have more of their experience shared with me...and i cant find  the way to ask.
ive asked 2 different missionaries/ organizations about becoming a part of ending people selling. they have been superficial not now's and not us's. but they are a way in. resource. and i am super afraid.

there is so much more going on, and i hate that i dont have time to sit and talk it all out.  when do i stop listening ot the internal drive that says - go! you arent married and dont have any kids! all your problems and difficulties are nothing and you shouldnt be tired, and you have all this time to do great things for God now that nothing hold you down.its selfish to ask for a mentor, and selfish to just sit and read all day, or something. everyone else is doing  things. you should too. -

granted some of that is true. and i think i need it to shut up for a couple days.

today i was listening to u2. its in my car, one of the revolving cds. i really do love listening to a full cd at times. when its great. im hearing more of God in some of the older cds ive popped in recently. rich mullins is in there, and its awesome. u2 has surprised me. or maybe Gods surprised me.  this might be weird to some--whatever. i hear myself dialoguing with God in this song.

[G-]Is it getting better, or do you feel the same?
      Will it make it easier on you, now you got someone to blame?
[h-]You say one love, one life, when it's one need in the night.
[G-]One love, we get to share it
      Leaves you baby if you don't care for it.

[h-]Did I disappoint you or leave a bad taste in your mouth?
[G-]You act like you never had love
[h-]and you want me to go without.
      Well, it's too late tonight to drag the past out into the light.
[G-]We're one,
[h-]but we're not the same.
[G-]We get to carry each other, carry each other... one

[G-]Have you come here for forgiveness,
       Have you come to raise the dead
      Have you come here to play Jesus to the lepers in your head
[h-]Did I ask too much, more than a lot
[G-]You gave me nothing,
[h-]now it's all I got.
[G-]We're one, but we're not the same.
[h-]Well, we hurt each other, then we do it again.

[h-]You say love is a temple, love a higher law
      Love is a temple, love the higher law.
     You ask me to enter, but then you make me crawl
     And I can't be holding on to what you got, when all you got is hurt.

[G-]One love, one blood, one life, you got to do what you should.
[G&h-]One life with each other: sisters, brothers.
      One life, but we're not the same.
      We get to carry each other, carry each other.
      One, one.
 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kprazhF-VSY&feature=related