i dont really have time to do this. i should be going to bed. but if i dont make time to process my heart, none of this will be seen by me and it will just slip away. i am sorrowfully frustrated and quizzical about this transition. theres not a clear ending point. not a certain move, not a shift in job, not a specific jump of any kind. its hard to define the physical, and therefore i have a hard time defining what is going on for me.
tim and jon are gone and somehow it just makes things different. knowing that a large chunk of my heart time with friends is going to be empty ( is emptying) is like trying to , i dunno. stay focused on a gnat 2 inches in front of me while keeping an eye on the pitch that i think is coming tm my glove any minute.
sam is in and out this summer. drews leaving.
kara, david, and some others are going to the czech, and i want to go. and that is not in my timeframe right now. every day as i see the kids here randomly, or less, or more....
all the little holes in my heart are becoming one big hole. i wonder about all these things, if i am giving them enough time. am i loving my friends well? i dont feel like it. am i available enough to these kiddos? probably not.
and the girl (thats me, if you were wondering) that seemed to always know what to say, doesnt anymore. had some really specific moments at work where i had opportunity to say something timely, and literally nothing came. all i could think of were trite and cliche things . things not appropriate for real life .
there are moments when i want to inquire about someones heart more, ask if i can have more of their experience shared with me...and i cant find the way to ask.
ive asked 2 different missionaries/ organizations about becoming a part of ending people selling. they have been superficial not now's and not us's. but they are a way in. resource. and i am super afraid.
there is so much more going on, and i hate that i dont have time to sit and talk it all out. when do i stop listening ot the internal drive that says - go! you arent married and dont have any kids! all your problems and difficulties are nothing and you shouldnt be tired, and you have all this time to do great things for God now that nothing hold you down.its selfish to ask for a mentor, and selfish to just sit and read all day, or something. everyone else is doing things. you should too. -
granted some of that is true. and i think i need it to shut up for a couple days.
You need a HUGE, never-ending, sweet smelling, loving hug. I can feel your sadness and frustration and loss. It's OK to not DO anything (I know some of us wish we didn't have to 'do' anything). It's really OKAY to ask for things (like a mentor, a book, or even for a friend to hear you) and to take this new season in Hope and Expectancy. Tim and Jon are gone, and we all feel it. Even just the possibility of seeing the joy on their faces every Sunday is gone (for another 2 months), and some of us will be joining them. But don't forget, Heather, that where God has placed you (emotionally, physically) is very important. Don't listen to the wacky answers those orgs give you...keep going! God put this desire in your heart and He wants you to succeed! Really.
ReplyDeleteAlso, don't shut up, keep talking. I want to listen.