Hello all!
thank you for taking the time to read this.
my
preparation for the dental mission trip has been alot of prayer and
handing things over to God in prayer when i start getting anxious. ive
never been so anxious before, not that i can remember. i keep hearing
random things about guatemala.
pray for my mind to be focused on the people i am going for, and the people i am going with.
please ask with me- for selflessness. i tend to want to make things all about me, and how is this going to impact me?
pray
for unity of the team, and obviously good communication. mostly coming
from me. i tend to not communicate well.[ not for lack of trying.]
please ask that we would be able to go in full health. i have allergies,
and theres no infection, thank God. but it really would be annoying to
have to blow my nose while trying to do these other things.
Gods
teaching me rest this year, more than other years, and i am having a
difficult time currently trying to balance doing what needs to be done
for the trip, and taking calming breaks. also, i have a tendency to
want to have all my EVERYTHING situated here before i go away on any
trip. even when it doesnt need to be touched yet.
God mentioned fasting to me, as lined out in isaiah 58, and i have no
idea what to do with that information. im scared to fast; i feel like
its not safe for me to skip food. but hes telling me something here. so,
that if im fasting, i would do it with wisdom and peace. and if it is
for another reason, that i would hear that clearly. but i think hes
telling me to fast.
thank you so much for your prayers
30 October 2012
26 October 2012
trying
the last post was meant to help me relax. it didnt. i thought by maybe getting things out of my head, that i would find some rest. rest is only found in God for me. and that even furtively. im trying to understand how this peace that passes understanding works. im trying to hear God. the more i try, the harder it gets. and then im riddled with self- doubt, wondering if ive made the right decision.
some errands needed to get done. i wanted to print some stuff out, support letters and pics of me to send to the kids i support, mostly. voting.ironing.
i made the choice to stay home from the childrens shelter today. i have cried significantly since then, wondering if that was me being selfish.
i went to volvo this morning, got a check up out of the way. volvo always takes so long. i get there at 7 30 and almost always never leave until lunchtime. i think once i left at 10 30, and was shocked.its never under 200$ either. i have hydraulic fluid slowly leaking, and its just going to have to wait, because it ends up i had to give the church 300$ more for the trip than what i was originally told. i guess the support raising hasnt been going so well.
it was torrential as i was leaving, and cold now. my dress wasnt cutting it. anywho. i go to office depot to see if they can print off the things aforementioned. [ didnt have to print out the coupon for volvo anymore...] well, i either have to put it on a flash drive or email it to them. and great time to find out, my comp battery doesnt hold charge from 7 30 til 12.
go vote. yay. one thing done fairly easily.
its at the library, so i think, sweet! i'll print here. card expired 3 yrs ago, and i have a balance of 22 $ WHAT
she prints off the list of books that are all childrens books. ok, i like books, but seriously. i wouldnt have checked them out.
aside from my doppelganger, there is a lady in town with my same name. i knew this. i also knew she seems to frequent alot of places i do. SHE HAS THE SAME MIDDLE NAME, AND IS A YEAR OLDER THAN ME. in that moment in the library, i thoguht, thats it. i need to move to a different city, or marry someone. this is frustrating.
got my new card, finally got on the comp there. i felt so stupid, not knowing the way things worked. fixed my support letter- it is good now- and then come to find out the printing only takes cash. i left. i call my mom. i cried. i couldve left the volvo center, gone to the childrens shelter, and spent the afternoon with them. but no. i had to have a messy early afternoon. frustration with God [and myself] welled up. why cant i hear him well? do i not take enough time to listen? why do i think so differently than the rest of the world? --even my mom knows you can just buy a flash drive, and put your stuff on it; take it to be printed. and i had such a wonderful time in the word at volvo. yes, i know evil attacks, yes i know some of this frustration is me not knowing how to plan well. its still frustrating, and then i cant seem to find my way back to my God of Peace easily.
some errands needed to get done. i wanted to print some stuff out, support letters and pics of me to send to the kids i support, mostly. voting.ironing.
i made the choice to stay home from the childrens shelter today. i have cried significantly since then, wondering if that was me being selfish.
i went to volvo this morning, got a check up out of the way. volvo always takes so long. i get there at 7 30 and almost always never leave until lunchtime. i think once i left at 10 30, and was shocked.its never under 200$ either. i have hydraulic fluid slowly leaking, and its just going to have to wait, because it ends up i had to give the church 300$ more for the trip than what i was originally told. i guess the support raising hasnt been going so well.
it was torrential as i was leaving, and cold now. my dress wasnt cutting it. anywho. i go to office depot to see if they can print off the things aforementioned. [ didnt have to print out the coupon for volvo anymore...] well, i either have to put it on a flash drive or email it to them. and great time to find out, my comp battery doesnt hold charge from 7 30 til 12.
go vote. yay. one thing done fairly easily.
its at the library, so i think, sweet! i'll print here. card expired 3 yrs ago, and i have a balance of 22 $ WHAT
she prints off the list of books that are all childrens books. ok, i like books, but seriously. i wouldnt have checked them out.
aside from my doppelganger, there is a lady in town with my same name. i knew this. i also knew she seems to frequent alot of places i do. SHE HAS THE SAME MIDDLE NAME, AND IS A YEAR OLDER THAN ME. in that moment in the library, i thoguht, thats it. i need to move to a different city, or marry someone. this is frustrating.
got my new card, finally got on the comp there. i felt so stupid, not knowing the way things worked. fixed my support letter- it is good now- and then come to find out the printing only takes cash. i left. i call my mom. i cried. i couldve left the volvo center, gone to the childrens shelter, and spent the afternoon with them. but no. i had to have a messy early afternoon. frustration with God [and myself] welled up. why cant i hear him well? do i not take enough time to listen? why do i think so differently than the rest of the world? --even my mom knows you can just buy a flash drive, and put your stuff on it; take it to be printed. and i had such a wonderful time in the word at volvo. yes, i know evil attacks, yes i know some of this frustration is me not knowing how to plan well. its still frustrating, and then i cant seem to find my way back to my God of Peace easily.
22 October 2012
life list
tues- meet with the leader / contact of the guatemala trip.
i have fought feelings of disappointment with how he has operated.
when i come home, i will read up on the SA people/ things to vote for.
wed- bible study, but i am curious about something. i never pick up bulletins at church, didnt know how to get to morgans wonderland, so i grabbed a leftover one, and when i got home, took it inside to read through the prayer requests. [ and to snicker at the general boringness of our singles' group blurb] i happened upon the worship team audition. i have secretly wanted to see if i could do that, even though it scares the shit out of me. i cussed because its that deep. its so deep, i cant even use uppercase letters to stress the feeling i have. i look at myself and think im crazy. and the auditions might be at the same time as the study, and i actually have a cold right now. so.
thurs- meeting with rick lowe about the trip; i set both of theses meetings up at the same time. i dunno how
productive the meeting with shawn will be; hopfully it'll be great and i can give rick back some of his time. VOTING after that! go team!-- i dunno what thats supposed to mean. im writing in the chesshire cat. thats how i feel right now about life.
fri- car checkup, and childrens shelter. leadership meeting after that, and hopefully we will bring some solid
changes to how we do things in this group, such as solidify how we operate. ::ow. i just sneezed really hard. i think i busted some capillaries in my soft palate::
sat- help jenna pack, go to artist show that gloria's in at tripoint (9-5 if anyones interested. expo of local
artists, tripoint / ymca). ruths birthday
sun- first morning to help out in the kinder room at church.
then i need to get together a costume for work. disney themed. i am considering being jiminey cricket, but really at the end of the day, id just look like a dude. a weird dude. i hate trying to make costumes for work.
im so stressed out. ive been making my self thank God for all the true blessings i have, to remind myself.
i have no joy in my heart for this guatemala trip, and that makes me ssooooo sad and so worried.
i have fought feelings of disappointment with how he has operated.
when i come home, i will read up on the SA people/ things to vote for.
wed- bible study, but i am curious about something. i never pick up bulletins at church, didnt know how to get to morgans wonderland, so i grabbed a leftover one, and when i got home, took it inside to read through the prayer requests. [ and to snicker at the general boringness of our singles' group blurb] i happened upon the worship team audition. i have secretly wanted to see if i could do that, even though it scares the shit out of me. i cussed because its that deep. its so deep, i cant even use uppercase letters to stress the feeling i have. i look at myself and think im crazy. and the auditions might be at the same time as the study, and i actually have a cold right now. so.
thurs- meeting with rick lowe about the trip; i set both of theses meetings up at the same time. i dunno how
productive the meeting with shawn will be; hopfully it'll be great and i can give rick back some of his time. VOTING after that! go team!-- i dunno what thats supposed to mean. im writing in the chesshire cat. thats how i feel right now about life.
fri- car checkup, and childrens shelter. leadership meeting after that, and hopefully we will bring some solid
changes to how we do things in this group, such as solidify how we operate. ::ow. i just sneezed really hard. i think i busted some capillaries in my soft palate::
sat- help jenna pack, go to artist show that gloria's in at tripoint (9-5 if anyones interested. expo of local
artists, tripoint / ymca). ruths birthday
sun- first morning to help out in the kinder room at church.
then i need to get together a costume for work. disney themed. i am considering being jiminey cricket, but really at the end of the day, id just look like a dude. a weird dude. i hate trying to make costumes for work.
im so stressed out. ive been making my self thank God for all the true blessings i have, to remind myself.
i have no joy in my heart for this guatemala trip, and that makes me ssooooo sad and so worried.
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