trying

the last post was meant to help me relax. it didnt. i thought by maybe getting things out of my head, that i would find some rest. rest is only found in God for me. and that even furtively. im trying to understand how this peace that passes understanding works. im trying to hear God. the more i try, the harder it gets. and then im riddled with self- doubt, wondering if ive made the right decision.
some errands needed to get done. i wanted to print some stuff out, support letters and pics of me to send to the kids i support, mostly. voting.ironing.
i made the choice to stay home from the childrens shelter today. i have cried significantly since then, wondering if that was me being selfish.
i went to volvo this morning, got a check up out of the way. volvo always takes so long. i get there at 7 30 and almost always never leave until lunchtime.  i think once i left at 10 30, and was shocked.its never under 200$ either. i have hydraulic fluid slowly leaking, and its just going to have to wait, because it ends up i had to give the church 300$ more for the trip than what i was originally told. i guess the support raising hasnt been going so well.
it was torrential as i was leaving, and cold now. my dress wasnt cutting it. anywho. i go to office depot to see if they can print off the things aforementioned. [ didnt have to print out the coupon for volvo anymore...] well, i either have to put it on a flash drive or email it to them. and great time to find out, my comp battery doesnt hold charge from 7 30 til 12.
go vote.  yay. one thing done fairly easily.
its at the library, so i think, sweet! i'll print here.  card expired 3 yrs ago, and i have a balance of 22 $ WHAT
she prints off the list of books that are all childrens books. ok, i like books, but seriously. i wouldnt have checked them out.
aside from my doppelganger, there is a lady in town with my same name. i knew this. i also knew she seems to frequent alot of places i do. SHE HAS THE SAME MIDDLE NAME, AND IS A YEAR OLDER THAN ME. in that moment in the library, i thoguht, thats it. i need to move to a different city, or marry someone. this is frustrating.
got my new card, finally got on the comp there. i felt so stupid, not knowing the way things worked. fixed my support letter- it is good now- and then come to find out the printing only takes cash. i left. i call my mom. i cried. i couldve left the volvo center, gone to the childrens shelter, and spent the afternoon with them. but no. i had to have a messy early afternoon. frustration with God [and myself] welled up. why cant i hear him well? do i not take enough time to listen? why do i think so differently than the rest of the world? --even my mom  knows you can just buy a flash drive, and put your stuff on it; take it to be printed.  and i had such a wonderful time in the word at volvo. yes, i know evil attacks, yes i know some of this frustration is me not knowing how to plan well. its still frustrating, and then i cant seem to find my way back to my God of Peace easily.