somehow my 200th blog came and went. i was going to celebrate it. oh well.
::ahem::
yay, 207th!! i think thats what it said.

i feel full. im not yet ready to talk out all of the trip, because i dont want to yet. i would let everyone read the section in my journal, if it were easier to somehow pass that around.
i feel full from my desires to really live my life with the people that are in it, that i come in contact with. theres a wanting of richness in reality.
im reading  that we need  to invite the poor to our feasts instead of our friends and im wondering if Christ really wants us to go pick up some homeless people.
its ok if i feel little, and worth little in this world.

we always talk about loving people where theyre at. i just had a blaze of thought.
i want to be able to love people where im at. that way, theyll get the best, most real love from me, not something  that im trying to conjure for them, and what i think they need in their position. whoa. ok im done. bye.

prepared

heartfelt thanks pour from me to my friends, my pray-ers, my hope-ers and encouragers. you all have been a blessing, are a blessing....and will forever be a blessing! haha.
ok.
really, though, i am so grateful. with this guatemala trip, there has been so much love given to me from you all. the prayers have been efficacious; i am not afraid., and there is a bit of excitement[ read:: expectant, happy, slightly-stressed-body-from-not-feeling-like-im-sleeping-well nerves].
so much of my prayers and thoughts have been selfless- woohoo!  but it did get me thinking...why in the world does it take a trip to be "godly" toward strangers, to make me want to really shine for him, and truely love people with his best?
what is it about these things that makes it easier to pray for his will completely, and for him to move through us only, setting our own desires aside?  why dont i want to love the people i know and see daily, that well?

tonight i got to interact with one of my downstairs neighbors, where before it had just been hi's and how are you's.  pray that i would make space to chat w her more, and  my other neighbors, when i come back. that i would find my day in and day out people just as precious as these guatemalans. we are all in poverty. God is the riches. continue to pray for our teams' unity, and thank the Lord with us that we will be better be- ings who love well than do- ers who get frustrated. i am personally asking God to just  stretch time out, so that we can love exponentially in the days we have. already i think hes giving me that; i got home at 7, ate, packed, cleaned some things....it was 9 30 when i looked at the clock, and i was pretty sure it was going to say at least an hour later. what is so cool was that i hadnt rushed myself.

pray for shyness to be removed. i tend to be shy when i dont know the language, and it makes me hesitate in my actions or attempts at speaking, even if its just to a translator.
here are my teammates.
shawn
hannah
john
joshua
rick
reagan
john
annie
katie
trey
joana
rachel
travis
leah
andy
jennie
jaime
nat
cullen

trust

tonight as i became anxious about fasting, i wondered at who ive become. ::im not fasting btw. i asked God to give me sort of a game plan. im too worried about starving this little frame::
i didnt used to be a worrier. i was a truster. i was a believer. i was a hoper.
2 things.
i need to build up to them; it feels weird to just blurt it out.
so, i was at work, and one of the drs is big on visualization. i dont think shes weird; i really believe theres something to that- calling things that arent, as though they are. God does that with us.
it hit my heart like lightening- im not believing that God is going to give me my husband. i go through these periods of time....recently its been really long. and being married seems to slip further and further away. today i changed my mind. i am married,. i just dont know yet to whom. i prayed specifically for him today, with love. hadnt done that in a while.
 second thing is this. my trust of people was blown out of the water before i moved to san antonio. theres a link there to trusting God as well.
God gives a great friend; one who understands me. i dont feel so oddball anymore.
she consistently sets me up and pulls the rug out from under me.
i keep believing that theres more to her. reality to her. i see enough of it to keep going. keep fighting.
i keep getting hurt, and making the decision to hurt myself.
takeaway= God will give you something GREAT and it will destroy you. it wont really be great.

so i walked away from that thinking i have to not just rest and sit back and receive from God, but that i need to be watching and trying to find the people and things that are safe.