trust

tonight as i became anxious about fasting, i wondered at who ive become. ::im not fasting btw. i asked God to give me sort of a game plan. im too worried about starving this little frame::
i didnt used to be a worrier. i was a truster. i was a believer. i was a hoper.
2 things.
i need to build up to them; it feels weird to just blurt it out.
so, i was at work, and one of the drs is big on visualization. i dont think shes weird; i really believe theres something to that- calling things that arent, as though they are. God does that with us.
it hit my heart like lightening- im not believing that God is going to give me my husband. i go through these periods of time....recently its been really long. and being married seems to slip further and further away. today i changed my mind. i am married,. i just dont know yet to whom. i prayed specifically for him today, with love. hadnt done that in a while.
 second thing is this. my trust of people was blown out of the water before i moved to san antonio. theres a link there to trusting God as well.
God gives a great friend; one who understands me. i dont feel so oddball anymore.
she consistently sets me up and pulls the rug out from under me.
i keep believing that theres more to her. reality to her. i see enough of it to keep going. keep fighting.
i keep getting hurt, and making the decision to hurt myself.
takeaway= God will give you something GREAT and it will destroy you. it wont really be great.

so i walked away from that thinking i have to not just rest and sit back and receive from God, but that i need to be watching and trying to find the people and things that are safe.