a tear- like, something being torn.
ok.
there has been darkness covering me. and today it feels a bit torn. and light is coming through. ive wondered if i have depression...when i think about these past couple weeks, and the other times it has been like this, i think im more apt to believe there is spiritual fighting happening.
strange to think that my sadness in longing for marriage, and for purpose in my life so my passions can find an outlet, are attacks from evil. and really, they in themselves arent.
but they are being used. maliciously.
last night i broke out of keeping it together and cried in front of some friends. let them know how much my soul and heart have been grieving.
this morning at work i lost it and couldnt stop crying; i was trying to hide it and just review charts. a co worker had said something biting, out of her own stress and pain a bit before, and it just broke the dam. another co worker asked me how my weekend was, and my voice was all husky- i knew i wouldnt be able to just cover it up. so i cried and told her i thought maybe i was being spiritually attacked, since ive been waiting on God for real and liking it, and growing...this morning i read something that reminded me to not think it strange when there are attacks in our minds.
another co worker came in and prayed over me. today was good, got through. was able to rejoice in the sweet care of God. i keep bringing myself to speak of gratefulness. evils just trying to distract me and remove this peace that im cultivating! and its not going to win! i ask the Lord to fight for me. and remind me. i plead and groan for joy to be present in my life. those of you that know me more deeply, know the joy is there...but when co workers tell you they like you better on energy drinks, cuz youre more fun/ happier? something is wrong. [ i drank an all natural energy drink -vemma- at work one day and was so full of energy and silliness.i also couldnt go to sleep that night well.]
and i offiically love florence+the machine
back to the title......
i love that God ripped through the separation and darkness that was between the perfect relationship that awaited us, and us.
i love that he ripped through this darkness today, and yesterday, and the other days, with his tender words.
he doesnt show up the way i want and he doesnt make it easy. but he does it right. and he does it perfectly.
03 December 2012
30 November 2012
wondering what my soul looks like
last night--i think it was last night-- i was very sad.
this is happening more regularly, me being sad. sometimes it is triggered by the young married guy getting consolation from a friend that the cranky, no sleep baby phase his wife is going through with their little one will, indeed, pass.
its a dear sweet mentor telling me things like, "your husband is going to love your hair." and she meant it.
its holding my coworkers newborn.
so, these moments have been more common lately, and i have resigned myself to the fact that i may be crying myself to bed every night now, and thats the season im in. God knows.
im about to tell you my most comforting piece of truth, the one ive been choking, im holding it so hard. [i'll give you a hint- i already said it]
GOD KNOWS
so much of a place of rest for me lately. i think i AM learning this rest stuff. waiting is sooooo haaaaard! ive mentioned it before, i know. its just, nothing new is happening. so we talk about the same things.
i used to have alot more community available to me, where we could all be real and say exactly whats going on, and it was ok, and not shocking, i miss that so much. its felt like part of me has been slowly dying; im finding it harder to be open with people. that scares the shit out of me to think that i am hiding. calling friends to chat is probably a good remedy for this, and one that is hard for me to do. thanks a lot, God.
so, heres a way for me to feel like im still being vulnerable. its kinda cheating, but kinda not. last night i was crying so much - and when i do that, i wonder what i look like, i wonder if my soul is showing. taking expressionless pictures of myself is not a good idea. i looked super weird. so weird, that i started laughing, and thought, lets see if we get any good pics out of that! [ you might be thinking- youre not laughing in those pictures. but if you had just cried as much as i did, thats what laughing comes out as.] and i think i'll throw in the sketches i was doing while all this was going on. its me sad, and me happy.
this is happening more regularly, me being sad. sometimes it is triggered by the young married guy getting consolation from a friend that the cranky, no sleep baby phase his wife is going through with their little one will, indeed, pass.
its a dear sweet mentor telling me things like, "your husband is going to love your hair." and she meant it.
its holding my coworkers newborn.
so, these moments have been more common lately, and i have resigned myself to the fact that i may be crying myself to bed every night now, and thats the season im in. God knows.
im about to tell you my most comforting piece of truth, the one ive been choking, im holding it so hard. [i'll give you a hint- i already said it]
GOD KNOWS
so much of a place of rest for me lately. i think i AM learning this rest stuff. waiting is sooooo haaaaard! ive mentioned it before, i know. its just, nothing new is happening. so we talk about the same things.
i used to have alot more community available to me, where we could all be real and say exactly whats going on, and it was ok, and not shocking, i miss that so much. its felt like part of me has been slowly dying; im finding it harder to be open with people. that scares the shit out of me to think that i am hiding. calling friends to chat is probably a good remedy for this, and one that is hard for me to do. thanks a lot, God.
so, heres a way for me to feel like im still being vulnerable. its kinda cheating, but kinda not. last night i was crying so much - and when i do that, i wonder what i look like, i wonder if my soul is showing. taking expressionless pictures of myself is not a good idea. i looked super weird. so weird, that i started laughing, and thought, lets see if we get any good pics out of that! [ you might be thinking- youre not laughing in those pictures. but if you had just cried as much as i did, thats what laughing comes out as.] and i think i'll throw in the sketches i was doing while all this was going on. its me sad, and me happy.
25 November 2012
just overflowin.
im super tired, but i want to brag on God! hes so great! i want to put this on fb, but my update is there, and i want ppl to see it so they will stop bugging me:)
had a great day with God. he is such a blessing. good people, good talks, giving me freedom with my self. sometimes, do you hold your 'self' in too much esteem? i do, and start taking myself way seriously, and not focusing on others....
there has been more healing. and the funny thing with God is, sometimes he sneaks healing in, and im like, WHA...- omg! thank you!
in the letters to the churches, paul talks a bit about the mystery of God. its Christ in us. its all his work; ALL his work. none of the work can be ours, its impossible. our role is to search out that mystery that in in us by the holy Spirit, and thank him for it, and make sure the things we are learning are biblical, that the thoughts and 'christian' ideas we here are truely based in the bible.
the word was showcased today.
what i mean by that is, the word of God.
-the bible
-Christ being the vehicle for that spoken God-word, that started it all, and in him all things consist and have their meaning and being [john 1:1 and on]
-our words! ...if Christ lives in us, and we have the fulness of joy and the hope of glory, that means he is at work in us, and need to say yes to all opportunity of thankfulness, to cultivate joy, and also allow him to guide our thoughts and words, so that his glory can be seen and be giving others his hope of salvation!
i cannot fathom that he is so willing to make us his body, and allow his holiness to live in us. he loves us enough to sign up for battle with our sinful part, battle over the broken places to make us whole and battle over our true self, to give us freedom.
and i came upon such rest tonight while at the bible study. i have been running up against so many people wanting to know where my life is headed, wanting to see the purpose, see some fruit and some doing. which is good- i want to see it too.
and there is a time of waiting now, and learning to surrender and say yes. and i am there. and im not getting ahead of God; i am waiting. it does not look productive at all. i am ok with that. im so ready for the next person to ask me what is happening, and where i think God is leading , and if i have any direction yet. i so want to be able to tell them a resounding NO and just shine out this restful joy that hes given. i want to usher them into the idea that God is not so hung up on production as we see it. his time table is so different.
yea. Christocentric! [bwahahah. its a word, apparently. it feels like ACTIVATE! #shoutouttaytay]
had a great day with God. he is such a blessing. good people, good talks, giving me freedom with my self. sometimes, do you hold your 'self' in too much esteem? i do, and start taking myself way seriously, and not focusing on others....
there has been more healing. and the funny thing with God is, sometimes he sneaks healing in, and im like, WHA...- omg! thank you!
in the letters to the churches, paul talks a bit about the mystery of God. its Christ in us. its all his work; ALL his work. none of the work can be ours, its impossible. our role is to search out that mystery that in in us by the holy Spirit, and thank him for it, and make sure the things we are learning are biblical, that the thoughts and 'christian' ideas we here are truely based in the bible.
the word was showcased today.
what i mean by that is, the word of God.
-the bible
-Christ being the vehicle for that spoken God-word, that started it all, and in him all things consist and have their meaning and being [john 1:1 and on]
-our words! ...if Christ lives in us, and we have the fulness of joy and the hope of glory, that means he is at work in us, and need to say yes to all opportunity of thankfulness, to cultivate joy, and also allow him to guide our thoughts and words, so that his glory can be seen and be giving others his hope of salvation!
i cannot fathom that he is so willing to make us his body, and allow his holiness to live in us. he loves us enough to sign up for battle with our sinful part, battle over the broken places to make us whole and battle over our true self, to give us freedom.
and i came upon such rest tonight while at the bible study. i have been running up against so many people wanting to know where my life is headed, wanting to see the purpose, see some fruit and some doing. which is good- i want to see it too.
and there is a time of waiting now, and learning to surrender and say yes. and i am there. and im not getting ahead of God; i am waiting. it does not look productive at all. i am ok with that. im so ready for the next person to ask me what is happening, and where i think God is leading , and if i have any direction yet. i so want to be able to tell them a resounding NO and just shine out this restful joy that hes given. i want to usher them into the idea that God is not so hung up on production as we see it. his time table is so different.
yea. Christocentric! [bwahahah. its a word, apparently. it feels like ACTIVATE! #shoutouttaytay]
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