so much stuff

it comforts me to know only a handful of people that i know read this. my heart is so heavy right now, i need to talk about what is weighing me. my brother is searching his faith- which is good. but its painful to hear hi say he thinks Jesus is a faerie tale when i know the truth. when i have lived the truth. i (and many others) are not in a relationship with a faerie tale.
i felt very alone tonight in the college/career group im in. it just was alone-y. i needed more hugs , longer hugs, than what i could get out of people, and i wasnt in the frame of mind at the time to know thats what i wanted.
our college/career pastor is leaving. im really excited about where God is taking him and expanding him. hes going to be used for a broader purpose, one that God has been training him for. its good. but where our group is going to go- where the church leaders are taking everything- feels very unloving. at least what ive heard is going to happen. im excited about the change, and scared.
more has been required of me lately. i feel God placing words in my mouth sometimes, and i dont want them. i have an understanding with jeremiah. i dont really want to be responsible. i dont want to me judged more strictly.i feel somewhat in more leadership positions and i dont know what to feel about these places. ive always wanted to be in these places, now that i am, im scared. becoming is more difficult. and to think the rest of my life is going to entail becoming. how i long for completion!
thats the other place ive been having to sit. ive been feeling such a longing for completion, and that translates in this world to wanting my husband. i keep feeling that pain deeply! deeper and deeper every day!!! i think it might kill me. i want it to, right now, where i am in my feelings. i would love nothing more than for Jesus to take me. but i know he will keep me to serve my purposes here, and love him well in this distantly close relationship. being around some men that feel very close to what i wantand need, but knowing they arent: this has been such a struggle. and today i have felt a pressing need to let one know where i stand. dtr coming up. im struggling with whether or not its necessary to say that God told me hes not my husband...:-P probably not. but for my own sake [and his], i feel burdened to not let questions sit in the air.
all of these things bore down on me tonight and have overwhelmed my heart. and i scream- cried. a mighty heart, angelina jolie style. i didnt know i was capable of that. i figured if i was having a crisis, maybe. not a bunch of little things. it made me feel overly dramatic. but it was appropriate for my heart in the moment. and thats an interesting thing to look at. my heart needs to scream sometimes, even when it may feel overboard. add that to the list of things my husband will need to take in stride as he lives with me. thanks for listenin..

deeep....

my heart is expanding lately. my Leader, my Lover, the one and only Jesus ( i sound like im at a pep rally! whatever) is reaching inside and stretching. its so wonderful! hope gets bigger and bigger when you let it. it feels really huge and scarey though. i went on a date. he mightve not thought it was a big deal, but it was huge to me, and my poor heart that is slowly becoming rich. God used my fear to push me toward himself. i needed him to calm my heart, and i decided i was going to meet him where he has always been- in the state of ready. and he broke more places in me. it was a good outpouring of lies, and refilling of truth. then, after the date, after finding a freedom in letting someone make more out of me, i found expansion in my spirit. but God is so much greater than just a date, than just a man, and he has not stopped chasing my core. speaking to the weaknesses, and pulling me evermore into places of greater vulnerability! i never knew you could keep getting more vulnerable! being able to speak of my personal shameful weakness and neediness, without being defensive!? this is craziness. its the place where God invites us to know him greatly, and allows us to invite others to know him more too.

power and neediness

i created this blog, and then the woman with the issue was brought up again.
do i feel i can reach out to him in the midst of all these others who need him just as badly? can i ask for that power? the answer is yes! we have been given all- all power, love , freedom, you name it [in His name]- and it is ours to use. it will never be used up and he will not think us ungrateful for not repaying or giving any of it back. he's a loving parent that wont get tired of his childs insessant energy! [aka needyness] showing that we have needs shows also that we are incapable to meet them. and that is really something in the american mindset. we have the money, we can buy what we need! we dont ask for your help- im not going to ask my neighbor for that egg- ill just go to the store. i could think up a few other things i "need" [want] anyway.