it comforts me to know only a handful of people that i know read this. my heart is so heavy right now, i need to talk about what is weighing me. my brother is searching his faith- which is good. but its painful to hear hi say he thinks Jesus is a faerie tale when i know the truth. when i have lived the truth. i (and many others) are not in a relationship with a faerie tale.
i felt very alone tonight in the college/career group im in. it just was alone-y. i needed more hugs , longer hugs, than what i could get out of people, and i wasnt in the frame of mind at the time to know thats what i wanted.
our college/career pastor is leaving. im really excited about where God is taking him and expanding him. hes going to be used for a broader purpose, one that God has been training him for. its good. but where our group is going to go- where the church leaders are taking everything- feels very unloving. at least what ive heard is going to happen. im excited about the change, and scared.
more has been required of me lately. i feel God placing words in my mouth sometimes, and i dont want them. i have an understanding with jeremiah. i dont really want to be responsible. i dont want to me judged more strictly.i feel somewhat in more leadership positions and i dont know what to feel about these places. ive always wanted to be in these places, now that i am, im scared. becoming is more difficult. and to think the rest of my life is going to entail becoming. how i long for completion!
thats the other place ive been having to sit. ive been feeling such a longing for completion, and that translates in this world to wanting my husband. i keep feeling that pain deeply! deeper and deeper every day!!! i think it might kill me. i want it to, right now, where i am in my feelings. i would love nothing more than for Jesus to take me. but i know he will keep me to serve my purposes here, and love him well in this distantly close relationship. being around some men that feel very close to what i wantand need, but knowing they arent: this has been such a struggle. and today i have felt a pressing need to let one know where i stand. dtr coming up. im struggling with whether or not its necessary to say that God told me hes not my husband...:-P probably not. but for my own sake [and his], i feel burdened to not let questions sit in the air.
all of these things bore down on me tonight and have overwhelmed my heart. and i scream- cried. a mighty heart, angelina jolie style. i didnt know i was capable of that. i figured if i was having a crisis, maybe. not a bunch of little things. it made me feel overly dramatic. but it was appropriate for my heart in the moment. and thats an interesting thing to look at. my heart needs to scream sometimes, even when it may feel overboard. add that to the list of things my husband will need to take in stride as he lives with me. thanks for listenin..
How beautiful to hear your heart! What an testimony you are to so many! I'll pray for your brother, he's young and questioning like this could bring him to a broader, closer, and more meaningful relationship with the Lord!
ReplyDeleteI applaud you for listening to the voice of truth when it comes to your life partner. I have a dear friend who let her desperation get in the way of truly listening to what God desired for her and married the wrong man and after only 2 years is getting divorced. You have so long to get married! I was older when I got married (than most), and I know how hard it can be. He is out there and he is amazing!!! Don't settle! Ever read the book "Lady in Waiting"? Older, but very insightful.
Keep that beautiful head up and consider yourself virtually embraced by me! love, tawy
Oh my gosh, I spelled my name wrong! DOOFUS!
ReplyDeleteI found your blog a few weeks ago...I hope it's okay that your handful of readers just grew a bit.
ReplyDeleteAfter reading this I found myself wanting to give you one of those long hugs you've been needing. I was lonely on Sunday night and chose not to be there because I figured isolating was better. I wish I would have been there to give you a hug on love on you. Your heart and desires are so beautiful and even your fears or questions are so honest.
I've often been terrified of the word "leader." As if I will have all of these new expectations to live up to and have to constantly have it together all the time. I'm slowly letting go of that kind of picture and realize that a leader doesn't need to look like that. YOu simply need to have the heart of a leader to be one. You, sweet Heather, have that heart.
Also, don't worry about the screaming thing and scaring away your future husband. I have plenty of odd quirks and things I wonder why Todd isn't appalled or essentially freaked out by. The man God gives you will love you in the midst of all of those crazy moments. He won't simply take it in stride, it will be something he loves about you. (o:
Your vulnerability in this post is lovely.
ReplyDeleteYour angst for your brother and where he is questioning and struggling is evidence of the depth in your heart.
Your tentative feelings about what is coming coupled with your excitement for where we are heading...lovely again, and so honest.
You are a perfect leader in these places. Open, vulnerable, struggling well, inviting others in, offering safety to those around you.
Keep living sweet girl. It is intoxicating for those who encounter you.
I will be looking to give you a very big hug next time I see you!
Hey heather, you've gotten such great comments and encouragement, I hope it has helped you. I agree with everything that's been said and I couldn't have said it better.
ReplyDeleteYou are strong, beautiful, and brave. HANG IN THERE. Concerning the fellow...I agree that you shouldn't "let questions sit in the air" - at least not for too long. Just be sensitive, a man's ego is a very fragile thing.
Thanks for sharing your heart in this post... looking forward to tea with you sometime soon.
I know how a lot of smaller things can make a pretty heavy pile, and I am glad that you let yourself cry. At one point, I wouldn't have been able to even do that. I hurt for you, but at the same time I feel comforted that God has you securely in his hands.
ReplyDeleteI rejoice that God is working through you, as you feel he is, but I feel so helpless being so far away-- I want to hug you and hold you so you have a shoulder to scream on, so that you don't have to do it by yourself! You are loved, Heather! Remember that!
God knows what he's doing, and I'm glad that you have the strength to listen to his nudgings in your life. Seeing how you are now, I can only squeal in anticipation at the frickin' AMAZING guy God must have planned for you. God knows you, and knows what you need even better than you do-- and he is going to come through. Your future husband will make this wait worth every tear. Feel confident in that.
You certainly are a precious woman. I am indescribably happy that God blessed me with your friendship. You are Special, Heather. And you will make it through this.
Hug Koala so I can hug you!! That's what he's for!