something that shouldve been super clear to me a long time ago has elucidated itself.
ive always been a firm believer that the mess that is in your house [and, if it is longstanding] and in your car is a great indicator of your emotional well being. Of your life in general. ive always been a straightener. I try to actually clean too. Take your glasses off in my bathroom. ok.
so, ive always looked at myself as dealing with things well, and keeping myself peaceful through keeping my room straightened. If im visually cluttered, it starts to play out in my demeanor and vice versa. Youll see neat little piles in my room of things to do. actually getting them done is another story. theyre hardly ever neccesary, usually only little projects i make for myself.
lately ive been wanting the fall to come sooner so i can find a rent house and move in, start fresh, have a change, feel more settled, the list goes on. Appeasing this drive was a shadow of my type A personality mom. Shes helpful, this shadow. i enjoy her.
i took down all the artwork that could last being nearer to my destructo cats, and that wasnt huge. then i started downsizing/ organizing.
its wonderful!!
I rearranged some things in my closet which had an effect on some stuff in the living room! I wont go into all the details.
Some of the stuff i have is poorly organized or not organized at all, but gosh darn it- its in a pile! Or it was stuffed away and i didnt really think about it until i needed it.
my silly epiphany came while i was thinking about all the things Gods been teaching me lately. He has revealed alot of seemingly trite things [that the world would think trite- maybe even valid]. These are ways of relating. for the sake of time, ive basically been very judgemental and exacting of people in my lifetime. Thats the biggest thing, anyway.
How this plays into my reorganizing/ throwing away:
Ive hidden this. Its been so laughable, because ive scorned people who dont have it all together[ "tsk,tsk. they should really deal with the issues they have. cant they see how it effects their everyday life?"].
ive placated myself within the areas im currently looking at. Ive thought, theyre in "piles" -its dealt with, im good.
Being shown my problem with obedience to dicsipline is now looking really interesting. In the spiritual realm, i gave myself loopholes to what i thought were rules and tasks i had to carry out to be good. The neat little piles, the half-baked dealt with problems.
its pretty neat to see God deal with me gently by utilizing the physical and mundane.
It will be exciting to have a more "dealt with" heart. Instead of hidden messes, Things that have been sorted through, culled for worthlessness, straightened, and put in more appropriate, effective, maybe efficient, easy- access places. Easy access to me. not necessarily to everyone.
25 July 2009
21 July 2009
grace groups start in a month! ah. That was an "im- so- freaked- out- i- cant- even -scream- properly" ah. Look what im doing for all of you! More punctuation and caps. Geez. What work- friendships are difficult:)
So when i was typing "friendship," i accidentally put "friendshield" [and that last time it came out "friendsip"- friends should be sipped, and enjoyed. Long, refreshing and tastey. ok]
Friendshield. It is appropriate to shield sometimes. Doing that with friends is really important because we know deep parts of our friends, they've intrusted them to us to hold as treasure. [and no man is an island. would that make us treasure peninsulas?]
Defend, Cover, Surround. to quote [and slightly mock] some of my friends that have proven/i hope will prove to be shields- so....yes. its true.
On to the first topic that was spoken/typed. Grace groups and leadership.
Leadership is somewhat of an icey bedfellow to me right now. I know its correct in being present, but its not so fun or inviting.
Thats about it. Thanks to the typo that took a rabbit trail, otherwise this post was going to be very small.
So when i was typing "friendship," i accidentally put "friendshield" [and that last time it came out "friendsip"- friends should be sipped, and enjoyed. Long, refreshing and tastey. ok]
Friendshield. It is appropriate to shield sometimes. Doing that with friends is really important because we know deep parts of our friends, they've intrusted them to us to hold as treasure. [and no man is an island. would that make us treasure peninsulas?]
Defend, Cover, Surround. to quote [and slightly mock] some of my friends that have proven/i hope will prove to be shields- so....yes. its true.
On to the first topic that was spoken/typed. Grace groups and leadership.
Leadership is somewhat of an icey bedfellow to me right now. I know its correct in being present, but its not so fun or inviting.
Thats about it. Thanks to the typo that took a rabbit trail, otherwise this post was going to be very small.
19 July 2009
tim, dan, and jon, please dont read this. seriously.
todays sermon made me want to become a christian [again]. that was refreshing!
its cool to see roger get excited. he rocks/steps back and forth. kinda rainman -esque. anyway. i was so thankful to get refocused again.
"the more i see the more i love you"
when i am surrounded by clouds and fog and there seems to be powerful, unattainable forces around me- im seeing the Lord. i can see his perfect shining beauty behind all of the out of focus in front of him- out of focusness that he causes. i dont understand why he knows that the besdt way to my heart is making me frustrated with not seeing clearly most of the time. trusting him becomes my heartbeat and im left with a pounding in my chest. the drumbeat rollsdown my cheeks and im left speechless to the outside. how d oi download in a few moments what God continues through my lifetime? im left with the words "okay" and alright," and a half- baked smile and searching eyes. wondering if anyone will take the time to open up their arms into a place of rest for me to settle in.
God gave me an unexpected place to unpack in, an unexpected friend whom i almost didnt call. she was quiet enough to let me know sounding crazy is okay, silent long enough to tell me she wasnt going to try and give me answers. and she wanted to spend time with me still. after she knew-after she heard the deepest weaknesses/ fears in their moment of "glory."
i know Hes all i need.
Hes not all i want yet. i cant say that im okay with only him. i have idolized not being alone. i know we are made for community. and i know longing for a spouse is okay, and right and normal.but theres the other side. i still have this notion that my life will be better once i get in a relationship. i have this belief that my ministry will THEN really take off. just like dan said, his sufficiency has only been allowed to feel like -well that was good, considering. - not, that was filling.
i hate being around ms so much because of the blatant reality of my heart displayed in his words and actions. i dispise how hes constantly looking for some girl- any girl- in such an open way. his neediness disgusts me. but only because i feel it. so that is a portion of what im feeling/thinking now. my neediness and longing debilitates me because i think i should be better than this. im still trying to kill something in me that just wants to be singled out. to have it proclaimed over me- i love her, and only her.
and when im around younger girls, and they are having an easy time of showing their attraction and longing, i feel disgust. im mad that they can be so open and they have guys they can do that with, and apparently not feel intense. the guys dont seem to be very afraid. but when i do it, i feel so intense, and i can see the unsettledness in their shifting gaze and stance. and so ive stopped.
its still happening inwardly. and im bloodied and bruised inside.
a couple months ago i watched mona lisa smile. i was championing inside for the subtle feminism that was being touted. let me say i do think people should go to college to learn, and its a great thing. theres the other side. [which is shown in the movie] its okay to want to drop everything and become someones ezer kenegdo[helpmeet].i found myself thinking the other day about the reality in my heart on this subject. if i had found someone in college, and we married, i may have just dropped the career path. probably wouldve finished because im a commited person. but i could totally see myself back in the day, going to a college to get an associates in wifery. [like midwifery. its a short "i" and very fun to say].
so God speaking over me and singing over me and all that- not enough. it sounds so ugly. my not finding it sufficient sounds ugly.
my thoughts are- would it kill him to let me hear words specific words from one person, to let me feel special and . it did kill him. but he did it for everyone! i dont see anything that he has done just for me. he says hes with me all the time but hes never here the way i want him to be. he made us for fellowship with each other. we're community people, and i feel so alone. so if he wants me to find rest in him and be really satisfied in him, wouldnt he make my moments with him more satisfactory? and im reminded that we are the body. meant to be Christ to each other. shit, wont you leave me alone to my sadness? [he never lets me go, but never seems to hold me close enough to where all this is removed and joy fills its space. ]
its cool to see roger get excited. he rocks/steps back and forth. kinda rainman -esque. anyway. i was so thankful to get refocused again.
"the more i see the more i love you"
when i am surrounded by clouds and fog and there seems to be powerful, unattainable forces around me- im seeing the Lord. i can see his perfect shining beauty behind all of the out of focus in front of him- out of focusness that he causes. i dont understand why he knows that the besdt way to my heart is making me frustrated with not seeing clearly most of the time. trusting him becomes my heartbeat and im left with a pounding in my chest. the drumbeat rollsdown my cheeks and im left speechless to the outside. how d oi download in a few moments what God continues through my lifetime? im left with the words "okay" and alright," and a half- baked smile and searching eyes. wondering if anyone will take the time to open up their arms into a place of rest for me to settle in.
God gave me an unexpected place to unpack in, an unexpected friend whom i almost didnt call. she was quiet enough to let me know sounding crazy is okay, silent long enough to tell me she wasnt going to try and give me answers. and she wanted to spend time with me still. after she knew-after she heard the deepest weaknesses/ fears in their moment of "glory."
i know Hes all i need.
Hes not all i want yet. i cant say that im okay with only him. i have idolized not being alone. i know we are made for community. and i know longing for a spouse is okay, and right and normal.but theres the other side. i still have this notion that my life will be better once i get in a relationship. i have this belief that my ministry will THEN really take off. just like dan said, his sufficiency has only been allowed to feel like -well that was good, considering. - not, that was filling.
i hate being around ms so much because of the blatant reality of my heart displayed in his words and actions. i dispise how hes constantly looking for some girl- any girl- in such an open way. his neediness disgusts me. but only because i feel it. so that is a portion of what im feeling/thinking now. my neediness and longing debilitates me because i think i should be better than this. im still trying to kill something in me that just wants to be singled out. to have it proclaimed over me- i love her, and only her.
and when im around younger girls, and they are having an easy time of showing their attraction and longing, i feel disgust. im mad that they can be so open and they have guys they can do that with, and apparently not feel intense. the guys dont seem to be very afraid. but when i do it, i feel so intense, and i can see the unsettledness in their shifting gaze and stance. and so ive stopped.
its still happening inwardly. and im bloodied and bruised inside.
a couple months ago i watched mona lisa smile. i was championing inside for the subtle feminism that was being touted. let me say i do think people should go to college to learn, and its a great thing. theres the other side. [which is shown in the movie] its okay to want to drop everything and become someones ezer kenegdo[helpmeet].i found myself thinking the other day about the reality in my heart on this subject. if i had found someone in college, and we married, i may have just dropped the career path. probably wouldve finished because im a commited person. but i could totally see myself back in the day, going to a college to get an associates in wifery. [like midwifery. its a short "i" and very fun to say].
so God speaking over me and singing over me and all that- not enough. it sounds so ugly. my not finding it sufficient sounds ugly.
my thoughts are- would it kill him to let me hear words specific words from one person, to let me feel special and . it did kill him. but he did it for everyone! i dont see anything that he has done just for me. he says hes with me all the time but hes never here the way i want him to be. he made us for fellowship with each other. we're community people, and i feel so alone. so if he wants me to find rest in him and be really satisfied in him, wouldnt he make my moments with him more satisfactory? and im reminded that we are the body. meant to be Christ to each other. shit, wont you leave me alone to my sadness? [he never lets me go, but never seems to hold me close enough to where all this is removed and joy fills its space. ]
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