tim, dan, and jon, please dont read this. seriously.

todays sermon made me want to become a christian [again]. that was refreshing!
its cool to see roger get excited. he rocks/steps back and forth. kinda rainman -esque. anyway. i was so thankful to get refocused again.
"the more i see the more i love you"
when i am surrounded by clouds and fog and there seems to be powerful, unattainable forces around me- im seeing the Lord. i can see his perfect shining beauty behind all of the out of focus in front of him- out of focusness that he causes. i dont understand why he knows that the besdt way to my heart is making me frustrated with not seeing clearly most of the time. trusting him becomes my heartbeat and im left with a pounding in my chest. the drumbeat rollsdown my cheeks and im left speechless to the outside. how d oi download in a few moments what God continues through my lifetime? im left with the words "okay" and alright," and a half- baked smile and searching eyes. wondering if anyone will take the time to open up their arms into a place of rest for me to settle in.
God gave me an unexpected place to unpack in, an unexpected friend whom i almost didnt call. she was quiet enough to let me know sounding crazy is okay, silent long enough to tell me she wasnt going to try and give me answers. and she wanted to spend time with me still. after she knew-after she heard the deepest weaknesses/ fears in their moment of "glory."
i know Hes all i need.
Hes not all i want yet. i cant say that im okay with only him. i have idolized not being alone. i know we are made for community. and i know longing for a spouse is okay, and right and normal.but theres the other side. i still have this notion that my life will be better once i get in a relationship. i have this belief that my ministry will THEN really take off. just like dan said, his sufficiency has only been allowed to feel like -well that was good, considering. - not, that was filling.
i hate being around ms so much because of the blatant reality of my heart displayed in his words and actions. i dispise how hes constantly looking for some girl- any girl- in such an open way. his neediness disgusts me. but only because i feel it. so that is a portion of what im feeling/thinking now. my neediness and longing debilitates me because i think i should be better than this. im still trying to kill something in me that just wants to be singled out. to have it proclaimed over me- i love her, and only her.
and when im around younger girls, and they are having an easy time of showing their attraction and longing, i feel disgust. im mad that they can be so open and they have guys they can do that with, and apparently not feel intense. the guys dont seem to be very afraid. but when i do it, i feel so intense, and i can see the unsettledness in their shifting gaze and stance. and so ive stopped.
its still happening inwardly. and im bloodied and bruised inside.
a couple months ago i watched mona lisa smile. i was championing inside for the subtle feminism that was being touted. let me say i do think people should go to college to learn, and its a great thing. theres the other side. [which is shown in the movie] its okay to want to drop everything and become someones ezer kenegdo[helpmeet].i found myself thinking the other day about the reality in my heart on this subject. if i had found someone in college, and we married, i may have just dropped the career path. probably wouldve finished because im a commited person. but i could totally see myself back in the day, going to a college to get an associates in wifery. [like midwifery. its a short "i" and very fun to say].

so God speaking over me and singing over me and all that- not enough. it sounds so ugly. my not finding it sufficient sounds ugly.
my thoughts are- would it kill him to let me hear words specific words from one person, to let me feel special and . it did kill him. but he did it for everyone! i dont see anything that he has done just for me. he says hes with me all the time but hes never here the way i want him to be. he made us for fellowship with each other. we're community people, and i feel so alone. so if he wants me to find rest in him and be really satisfied in him, wouldnt he make my moments with him more satisfactory? and im reminded that we are the body. meant to be Christ to each other. shit, wont you leave me alone to my sadness? [he never lets me go, but never seems to hold me close enough to where all this is removed and joy fills its space. ]