i took everything off my tree today. wish i wanted to move the tree out and clean it all up. i really want to have it done, and start fresh completely tomorrow.
God slows me down sometimes. does he do that for you?
i seriously had nothing i had to do today, until partying. and it feels great. finished truefaced- thanks tim! - and am going to get my own copy. there are things in that book that are good to remember.
our Father prepared and carried my heart some through the reading of this book. places i didnt know i needed words in, places i cant easily explain. just constantly reading truth was healing.
finding that ive been working hard STILL was disconcerting.
finding i have motives based on self- fulfillment hurts.
re-knowing that i can stay vulnerable is priceless.
staying vulnerable is getting tricky.
i know you all love me, and thats been a beautiful place for me to be open and let you in to the ugliest parts of my character and past. and you still love.
im actually running up against being afraid of showing parts of where ive been, and parts of who i am now. theres risk here, and i havent felt it this strongly before. it seems like so much more is at stake. i REALLY dont want to be rejected now.
and i REALLY want to be known more fully.
ambivalence, anyone? i think i have some extra laying around here.

::squeal!!!!::

im kinda seeing someone :-D
theres been no defining words as to what kind of relationship this is exactly, and we've only been talking/ hanging out for about 3 weeks.
he took me on my first real date. [i could be using exclamation marks. choosing to not overwhelm]
[ also, actually typing it out sounds really lame. so its kinda unsure and ---GAH SHUT UP!
ok. im seeing someone! and hes told me im gorgeous, and we like alot of the same stuff and ive felt like , all giddy! and he wants to talk to me every day! he listens, and wants to know how my day went, and is very gentle and sweet and patient and im trying to be myself. i find im erring on the side of normal .
havent flipped out yet or been super spastic. theres a pic of us on fb, on my page from a party. hes trying to put a nose on me. :-D
thats it. just wanted to share my silly joy.

:: Gods been working me through alot of my fears too, but thats another post::

Christmas-y time is giving me happiness. and on top of that, im feeling some joy too! thank you Lord for giving me some joy. it had been missing for a while, and i'll take the heat for that.

today on kinda a whim, i invited people over to my house to eat after church.

3 "new " friends, 2 "old"
it was perfect, since i hae 6 chairs.

i dont know if i have words yet to voice my joy in having a little tiny party.
the only thing im sad about is i didnt just sit back and drink it in, to feel the depth of it.

but, we were having alot of fun!

my Christmas tree makes me feel cuddly. i like it. it also makes me stay up later. i sit just soaking up its glow and peacefulness.