i dont want romania to be just another thing on my list of to-dos for the summer. its squeezed in between kids club, and weddings, and parties, and supporting my cousin in her stock car racing, and other things. my mind is so full.
on a personal note, ive blatantly disobeyed Gods word, and this is the first time i dont feel distanced from him- and guys, it was violent- and the first time i have no idea how to be different.

how do we get to those moments of broken posture? i seem to just stumble into them. id like to go there purposefully sometime. im wanting to go there purposefully this time.

ive been pessimistic lately. [duh. right? sorry. and thank you for everyone that has been near]

weird epiphany, that ive always known but never given clarity to - i can have tons of joy, hope, and celebration for everyone else but me .
that needs to change.


next thought-
today was good!! i made a conscience decision to be glad about my life and my day and the people around me, and focus on them. and i had some really great convos w people at work, and one REALLY encouraged me. shes semi new and i found out today shes a pretty strong believer- from what she said. unless shes just spiritualizing her break up w her fiancee. which could be the case. but i think not.

last night i read some bible ::go me!:: and stumbled over this psalm i know ive read before. KNOW> because its right before 119. and dear Jesus, you know when youve gotten to that one. and you feel horrible for skipping over it cuz its boring, and then you think there must be some hidden amazingness, otherwise why is it here? and you read it. [ive done that w leviticus and numbers and such, too. ]
psalm 118. it would sound familiar to you. its known for the first and some of the middle.
im going to put out here the things that jumped out and grabbed me by the heart
in my anguish i cried to the Lord, he answered by setting me free! what can man do to me?he is with me and my helper- i will triumph over my enemies.
it is better to take refuge in the Lord than ot trust in man. it is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in princes.
i am surrounded, but in his name i will cut them off. i am surrounded, but i will cut them off by the name of the Lord. i am swarmingly surrounded, but in the name of the Lord i will cut them off. i was pushed back and about to fall, but the Lord helped me . he is my strength and my song.
the Lords hand has done mighty things! [X3]
the Lord has chastened me severely, but he has not given me over to death. i will live and not die, and proclaim joy and victory.
his love endures.

the repetition really poured into me.
my enemies of doubt and shame and filth and just all the freakin lies are not enough to kill me- and i have a warrior on my side! the warrior from which all warriors are formed.
id rather sometimes he fight for me in different ways. but he knows all of me and still chooses me because he is beautiful in his decisions.

its barely 8

and i feel so drained. in a good-ish way, though. had a really nice resting time in cc, got my nose re pierced, saw gnomeo and juliet w my sis, and got to bake in the sun a bit at the beach w my bro. my parents were having their anniversary weekend in port a. oh! and i also got some great chatting time in w grandma. to be able to slow down and spend time w family. to not have any major agendas. very needed.

there are constant battles going on. i know yall know. i've just been hit with that over and over again. reading wild at heart helped; God was showing up randomly too, reminding me and filling me. there have definitely been battles going on in my heart.
the other night i was painting and feeling really horrid. super horrid. and when i paint in that state, everythings black, blue, purple, brown...you get it. and theres no actual picture. just shapes and stuff. but it feels better after. so i cleaned up my brushes afterward- and glanced over at the living room floor where the canvas still lay.
a shock of fear hit me. what before looked like nothing but randomness to me had turned into my heart, producing a black flower and a dragon reaching out and snarling at it. it sounds way cooler than it looks, and if you happened to look at it, it prolly wouldnt jump out at you like that. well. maybe now that i told you.

anyway. it was scarey and i put it on the porch. its still there. i dunno what im going to do with it- yes i do. i'll paint over it eventually.
the lies that have been bombarding me and still do are a torment and a battle and i know theyre unreal. im so thankful i'm starting to see the blatant fighting for my heart that God has been a part of in the last weeks and days. its clear. it was hard. and i didnt help much. i couldnt. or i felt like i couldnt. its still going to be hard. God reminded me i need to fight and speak for others. whats that going to look like ? me being intense.
me being more of who i used to be, before i started listening to people tell me i was too much. that i needed to tone it down. and probably i did then. i can remember definite moments when ive been intense and not loved the people involved.
i think a good word for me to replace "intense" with is "intentional" - thats more what i mean.

i wonder if this week i find out if i go to romania. actually, id better find out!
so weird- to feel completely drained and somehow ok. somehow GOOD. to know rest is going to come at a good price, albeit slightly unknown price.