and i feel so drained. in a good-ish way, though. had a really nice resting time in cc, got my nose re pierced, saw gnomeo and juliet w my sis, and got to bake in the sun a bit at the beach w my bro. my parents were having their anniversary weekend in port a. oh! and i also got some great chatting time in w grandma. to be able to slow down and spend time w family. to not have any major agendas. very needed.
there are constant battles going on. i know yall know. i've just been hit with that over and over again. reading wild at heart helped; God was showing up randomly too, reminding me and filling me. there have definitely been battles going on in my heart.
the other night i was painting and feeling really horrid. super horrid. and when i paint in that state, everythings black, blue, purple, brown...you get it. and theres no actual picture. just shapes and stuff. but it feels better after. so i cleaned up my brushes afterward- and glanced over at the living room floor where the canvas still lay.
a shock of fear hit me. what before looked like nothing but randomness to me had turned into my heart, producing a black flower and a dragon reaching out and snarling at it. it sounds way cooler than it looks, and if you happened to look at it, it prolly wouldnt jump out at you like that. well. maybe now that i told you.
anyway. it was scarey and i put it on the porch. its still there. i dunno what im going to do with it- yes i do. i'll paint over it eventually.
the lies that have been bombarding me and still do are a torment and a battle and i know theyre unreal. im so thankful i'm starting to see the blatant fighting for my heart that God has been a part of in the last weeks and days. its clear. it was hard. and i didnt help much. i couldnt. or i felt like i couldnt. its still going to be hard. God reminded me i need to fight and speak for others. whats that going to look like ? me being intense.
me being more of who i used to be, before i started listening to people tell me i was too much. that i needed to tone it down. and probably i did then. i can remember definite moments when ive been intense and not loved the people involved.
i think a good word for me to replace "intense" with is "intentional" - thats more what i mean.
i wonder if this week i find out if i go to romania. actually, id better find out!
so weird- to feel completely drained and somehow ok. somehow GOOD. to know rest is going to come at a good price, albeit slightly unknown price.
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