dont you just long to grow from glory to glory? dont you long for the ever - increasing life He gives?
my stomach is in a knot right now with desire.
i never want to forget my God, the truth about him, and the truth about me.
i cursed my bad memory tonight. not the lack of memory that Christ lovingly employs so we donr get overburdened w sorrow and all that such manner of thing, but the lack of memory that stops me from slowing down and speaking truth to myself or another. to just remember that theres more to this life than all these little things we need to work upkeep on.

ever -increasing wickedness reaps us shame and death. rom. 6: 19 -21. that bring us into a loss of sensitivity eph. 4:19 that says we need more of these desires that we are told will make us happy. im so tired of all these things and people. affirmation, friends[frantic need for company], hope of a husband, more money, more ministry, acceptance, some form of sex, love for myself in the deepest parts of who i am, desperate need to be known.
i . am. so. done.
i hate what all this does to me, and to others through me. my desperation to befulfilled somehow in this life cant be done by this life . and it will make me stupid unless i allow God to sanctify that desperation to himself.

ya know, we uncover our sin to excuse it, satan uncovers it to accuse it, BUT. Christ uncovers it to diffuse it.
btw, everything cool that im saying in this blog is all from beth moore. seriously. download the week 6 of breaking free. you dont have to be a girl to watch this.
so. Christ always comes lovingly uncovering, lovingly washing away, and then covering in truth.
i WEEP [if not externally, internally] every time i even think about holding a child in a towel after they get out of the bath.
they fight you to get in the tub. they want to keep playing. but dang it all, theyre dirty and they smell weird. and theres food in their hair. and then they remember its way fun to be in the tub bc they get to be THEMSELVES! theres no clothes! and theres fun toys that are usually special for the tub, and its warm and feels good, and they get nice quiet focused play w mom/ dad/ significant adult. when its time to get out, theres a really soft towel and some arms.
and this is the part i break down over. wish i could remember from my childhood, and desperately want to have as part of my life more.
theyre all warm and snuggy, wrapped up in that towel, and there are arms ,and a lap, and no hurry. and they cuddle up and are just held. . and for a moment your heart fills up beyond compare.
when my brother was little there was a very small time frame when this was allowed and welcomed by him. by the kids i have babysat. and i cherish it.
sometimes ive curled up on the floor of my bathroom, or even in my bathtub, all wrapped up in a towel and feeling cuddly, and i cry.. and i ask God to be holding me in his lap.
=he washes me clean without harping on me that i got so dirty. he spends time with me there. he gives time to let me be washed. and he wants me to ENJOY the process as much as possible in a quiet and intimate way. he wouldve cuddled w me dirty, but neither of us wouldve enjoyed it as much.=

i had that senario just above in general terms; into the 3rd sentence i realized it needed to be me.

most of the breaking free session is on the woman at the well. funny how i keep thinking i will someday get to the end of knowledge on that passage.
she makes a comment about at the beginning, when Jesus gets there, hes tired. and hungry. and after the convo, and she runs off, hes telling his disciples that hes full! he has food they dont know about! she posited that we fill our Lord up too, when we're in relationship w him. ive heard that before, but it blew me away tonight. he was weary coming near to her. yes, there was physical fatigue, but i wonder- did he feel the weight of her? the weight of her sin and sorrow and lethargy of life? in the ebb and flow of their conversation, she allowed him in. and she accepted truth. as she left, he says hes full- energized? ready for action in her life, ready to jump up with her and get this abundance going?! i think so.
when we're like- minded w someone it brings joy.
i grieved tonight over not showing up well. i hide my true emotions from people; even the good emotionS! yea, i dont dare get too happy about something risky, dont get too excited, you might look stupid. dont admit that you had hope and expectation about something and now its gone. dont tell your friend that what they just said actually knifed you.
thats pretty much it. and my cat is bothering me and i promised him id go out on the patio w him and brush and pet him. so bye

it has been a while

hi!
i feel like i dont have time to say all i want to convey. i'll just start and when i get worn out or its time to go to calebs birthday dinner, i'll stop. hows that.
thank you God for the rain. i love the fact that i was talking to a mom at work who is a believer and she was saying something to the effect that theyre predicting an 8 yr drought. whatever. i told her no.
and then it rained. true, we can still be in droughts when it rains. but God shows up when he needs to . if all our fruit gets listeria [ which btw why such a pretty name for something bad?] and all our veggies get some other great named nasty, there will be provision.

i keep getting told its going to get really hard. i keep trying to kinda agree and maybe not have to do as much praying as should accompany said hardships.
Gods breaking off bondages. and spoken to me about not passing on crap to my children. first, im confronted w the fact that i havent ever really seriously thought i might have actual chilldren, and secoondly- and i think more importantly- ive never really seen my spiritual children as real children, and ive definitely never thought that my generational sins and other sins ive agreed to, and my personal lies, would really effect others spiritually. that i could so impact negatively from places they may never even know about!!!
it was sobering.
whats also sobering is what im really going to start being mean about towards myself. women, i need your help. i would love to have you all in a room and be able to say this to you. specifically jenn, b[weird ive never called you that],tay, sam and mal. and mal.hahahah i just felt like i had to shorten everything. i cant think -- oh- and lizzy and leah. i cant really think of anyone else that comes in contact closely w me that reads this. even if youre far away though, id love some long-distance lovin and help.
please dont agree to this if you dont feel you can. but i need -desperately- to be accountable for how i am betraying myself and my future. namely the masturbation. if yall can strongly ask me how thats going- hopefully its not!!-- and be ruthless. and if some of you could commit to allowing me to call you in the moments i need to talk something out? this sounds horrible, but im not at the place where i can do that with God. i mean, ive tried and very few times its worked, but im not allowing it to be effective. im not strong enough. i need a very tangible interaction. im not really sure exactly if this is what im wanting, but i need to start being drastic with myself. i feel like theres too many nuances of bondage that are wrapped up in all of that. its been way too long, and i dont want to be 30, saying, wow. ive had this problem for about 25 yrs. not cool.
i need this to be so out in the open it makes me uncomfortable. and you know it takes alot for me to be uncomfortable sometimes. the darkness needs constant light shed. im so tired.
thanks for letting me say all that. again, i wont judge or feel slighted or let down if this isnt something that you can walk alongside w me in. its a big ask.
yea, im done. i'll talk about some other stuff later.

there is so much in my heart.
i walk around in these times, just telling friends and such, God is so awesome!
encouraging them and really believing Gods best for them, and feeling all chipper.
i dont make time to explain to myself what God is doing.

i talk to others so it will get heard, which is good- theres evangelism and encouragement in that.
but shouldnt i talk to God about what hes telling? have a conversation?
these moments when i really crave to DO things, and be moving, and be around people- i feel alive, but im shoving God a little to the side.
im excited that ive had a free weekend. its been really wonderful; i havent taken a free weekend for granted in a long time, and i dont think i soon will. im thankful for the crazy times, it makes me grateful.
but back to this. yes. feeling alive and doing things is good, but if i dont soak in what hes giving, its not going to be a part of my mind and heart.

i want to talk it all out to yall, but i think i just need to break out of this having people near and get somewhere different.