my life

is fast right now! feels fast anyway, like theres a bunch of things asking for my attention and i wonder whats the best.
ya know, we ask God to guide us but then we make alot of ouor own desicions. at least thats what im pretty sure i do. all i can shoot for is having long enough time in his word, at his feet, so it becomes me. and i make the choices he has for everyone that are best for everyone involved.

last kids club had 15 kids!!!! over a year ago i wouldve had a heart attack. i remember hoping they wouldnt show up. i remember thinking 9 kids was exorbitant. theres actually 20 on the list that would possibly come.
it gets crowded in my living room
and i love it. i hate that our time is filled with stories and projects, actually. i wish i could just play with each one of them, focus on each one and let them know they are loved. i had to get on them for being crazy and not respecting each other or the speaker. it killed me. and we didnt have time for me to explain all that. explain that i love them deeply.
we're doing a bible study right now in the singles' group that is focusing on spiritual giftings and how we're living, lately. one of the questions was about our passion. i obviously have a passion for letting kids know they are loved.
i wonder if what im doing is enough. or is there more? i hate that some things get put on a scale- like, this is more important than that. this is a more greater service. but there is truth to it still. like, a child getting raped over and over IS a little more traumatic than maybe a parent overlooking their child on a regular basis. it seems to be, anyway. just depends on what the child does with that information. what they are given as tools afterwards- will they be tools to build up from whats been broken, or tools to destroy?
a vision i have had for a long time is working in an orphanage, and getting people out of the sex trade. these things make me cry like my whole family has just been brutally murdered. at least when no ones around. i can hide it in public. anyway. does God actually have a place for me in those things in the future? or is it just for me to work out here, where i am, with the children and people around me that have no father and mother that care about them, that have been wounded by societies misuse of sex?
i just heard tonight of a hardworking family in my complex were the dad works in the day and the mom works at night. from all outward appearances they love their children. but since no one can watch the little ones- or they havent tried hard enough to find reasonable daycare- they have locked their small children in a room all day while the mom sleeps. she IS at home, but in a way that assures she wont be bothered unless they yell.
my heart doesnt even know what to do with this.

i think
i hope
i want
i need

and im scared of finishing those sentences.

so, can all of my blog friends just be in one room together, and we all share life in real time!? --wouldnt that be cool.

havent been "here" in so long.... dunno what to say other than, can we slow down and have some tea?
can i slow down to offer life to people, to invite them? thats the real question. i dont know if its possible for me to do that right now unselfishly. im pretty sure im way selfish. God uproot that pls. thanks.
im writing verses on spiral- bound index cards. im creating a package of truth and exhortation and love. its harder to sit down and find all those amazing verses at once, so i decided to give myself time and trust that God would show and remind of those verses that are necessary.

the other day i felt that my life was small. i still feel this. i have a little tendency toward a cabin -fever type feeling that leaves me immobile. i see such movement and doing and change in other peoples lives and what i sometimes see as a lack in mine gets me all sad.
and God is faithful to remind me.
my years have not been wasted, nor will they be. but i do have the responsibility of taking what hes giving.
God just shed some light on something. grr. why do i have to hold peoples opinions in such high esteem!!!??
having people over is a joy for me, and i havent been doing it because i think "they" dont like my apartment. bleh. thats so sad and stupid.
do you ever feel that youre missing what God really has, and are just getting by with good things, and not the best?
mind renewal is important stuff, and is a constant need. pray for alertness.

i know im all over the place in this blog. its ok.
theres something i need help with, but dont know who to ask. like, literally. i really dont know who to ask about it.
lucian, the romanian guy, still has a glimmer of [well, maybe more than a glimmer, i dont know] hope about us growing into deeper friends and then love.
i really dont want this. i dont think its possible. not with where we are both spiritually. the place where i need help is, i need an older single guy perspective on how i should deal w him. or just an older person in general i guess.
do all men act like children? is this their fate?

ugh. i dont really want to end on this note, but i cant think of anything else.
oh! i am doing really great w the masturbation- havent wanted it in a long time, its lost its power! [thanks sam and taytay for having my back on that]

dont you just long to grow from glory to glory? dont you long for the ever - increasing life He gives?
my stomach is in a knot right now with desire.
i never want to forget my God, the truth about him, and the truth about me.
i cursed my bad memory tonight. not the lack of memory that Christ lovingly employs so we donr get overburdened w sorrow and all that such manner of thing, but the lack of memory that stops me from slowing down and speaking truth to myself or another. to just remember that theres more to this life than all these little things we need to work upkeep on.

ever -increasing wickedness reaps us shame and death. rom. 6: 19 -21. that bring us into a loss of sensitivity eph. 4:19 that says we need more of these desires that we are told will make us happy. im so tired of all these things and people. affirmation, friends[frantic need for company], hope of a husband, more money, more ministry, acceptance, some form of sex, love for myself in the deepest parts of who i am, desperate need to be known.
i . am. so. done.
i hate what all this does to me, and to others through me. my desperation to befulfilled somehow in this life cant be done by this life . and it will make me stupid unless i allow God to sanctify that desperation to himself.

ya know, we uncover our sin to excuse it, satan uncovers it to accuse it, BUT. Christ uncovers it to diffuse it.
btw, everything cool that im saying in this blog is all from beth moore. seriously. download the week 6 of breaking free. you dont have to be a girl to watch this.
so. Christ always comes lovingly uncovering, lovingly washing away, and then covering in truth.
i WEEP [if not externally, internally] every time i even think about holding a child in a towel after they get out of the bath.
they fight you to get in the tub. they want to keep playing. but dang it all, theyre dirty and they smell weird. and theres food in their hair. and then they remember its way fun to be in the tub bc they get to be THEMSELVES! theres no clothes! and theres fun toys that are usually special for the tub, and its warm and feels good, and they get nice quiet focused play w mom/ dad/ significant adult. when its time to get out, theres a really soft towel and some arms.
and this is the part i break down over. wish i could remember from my childhood, and desperately want to have as part of my life more.
theyre all warm and snuggy, wrapped up in that towel, and there are arms ,and a lap, and no hurry. and they cuddle up and are just held. . and for a moment your heart fills up beyond compare.
when my brother was little there was a very small time frame when this was allowed and welcomed by him. by the kids i have babysat. and i cherish it.
sometimes ive curled up on the floor of my bathroom, or even in my bathtub, all wrapped up in a towel and feeling cuddly, and i cry.. and i ask God to be holding me in his lap.
=he washes me clean without harping on me that i got so dirty. he spends time with me there. he gives time to let me be washed. and he wants me to ENJOY the process as much as possible in a quiet and intimate way. he wouldve cuddled w me dirty, but neither of us wouldve enjoyed it as much.=

i had that senario just above in general terms; into the 3rd sentence i realized it needed to be me.

most of the breaking free session is on the woman at the well. funny how i keep thinking i will someday get to the end of knowledge on that passage.
she makes a comment about at the beginning, when Jesus gets there, hes tired. and hungry. and after the convo, and she runs off, hes telling his disciples that hes full! he has food they dont know about! she posited that we fill our Lord up too, when we're in relationship w him. ive heard that before, but it blew me away tonight. he was weary coming near to her. yes, there was physical fatigue, but i wonder- did he feel the weight of her? the weight of her sin and sorrow and lethargy of life? in the ebb and flow of their conversation, she allowed him in. and she accepted truth. as she left, he says hes full- energized? ready for action in her life, ready to jump up with her and get this abundance going?! i think so.
when we're like- minded w someone it brings joy.
i grieved tonight over not showing up well. i hide my true emotions from people; even the good emotionS! yea, i dont dare get too happy about something risky, dont get too excited, you might look stupid. dont admit that you had hope and expectation about something and now its gone. dont tell your friend that what they just said actually knifed you.
thats pretty much it. and my cat is bothering me and i promised him id go out on the patio w him and brush and pet him. so bye