there were some feelings happening friday, and they all kinda came to me, and wanted to be heard. i put them on paper and promised to let them out soon.
so heres the letting out.
i was cleaning friday, and getting all of my life in order before today. it feels like a huge task, to get the whole frikkin life together ;-P its do able.
anyway~ in the amazingness of whats been going on w me and God lately, i was able to sit down and read some bible and pray, and not want to push it aside, to rush and do the next thing.
came across a verse about having peace, joy and righteousness. in the midst of life. that felt very far away. if you pick a random day, and ask me if im abiding in peace, joy , and righteousness in my heart, i dont think id be able to give you a positive answer. i allow all these really little things like bad drivers disrupt my core, my true focus.
another verse was, nobody should look out for his own good, but the good of others.
i just gawked at that. honestly. thats really impossible. Jesus has to do that completely. and i just started thinking of how i view my life and the people in it- i do not love people like that. i dont automatically think of the best thing for my friends. i mean, sometimes i do! maybe even 80% of the time. but really- thats just my close , dear friends. i cant imagine looking towards the good for all else above me.....really being selfless. its a big deal.
and something else i wrote down, that i cant seem to catch back into my brain where it came from-- the statement " how do we get into God's timetable?"
well i guess thats a question.
i remember this thought really bothering me, but i cant grab hold of why i was thinking it. it was important to me, though.
the last thing that i also havent been able to wrap my mind around is... this song. i have a cd, and its on there, and ive listened to this song before. but it struck me the other night. i keep listening to it and looking at the words. wondering why its pulling me.
say you dont know how to do it now, so you run
its not that youre bleeding, but youre through it now, so you run, so you run
i know that you need it, you cant live alone, so you run, so you run
everyone says youre amazing now that youre clean
only you know who the real ones are cuz youve seen
theres only one question i want to ask, is it healing
when you hear
everyone say youre amazing
does anyone ask you...?
do you cry in your sleep, and do you feel ok, when you run?
thinking its doomsday, you got to let it go, so you run, so you run
pretend you dont see it, that we can live a lie, when you run, so you run.
everyone says youre amazing now that youre clean
only you know who the real ones are cuz youve seen
theres only one question i want to ask, is it healing
when you hear
everyone say youre amazing
does anyone ask you...?
cuz i know that youre real, amazing, amazing, amazing
everyone says youre amazing now that youre clean
only you know who the real ones are cuz youve seen
theres only one question i want to ask, is it healing
when you
everyone says youre amazing
[i want you to always feel youre amazing]
http://youtu.be/MH6JmwsRhS0
14 January 2012
04 January 2012
im sitting here with so much on my heart and mind.
this used to feel like such a need, to tell the world somehow through my blog, how life was going and all that jazz. to be connected to all of my friends here.
it doesnt feel bad anymore to just hold it.
but, i cant keep holding it. im in the same cycle i used to live in, but for different reasons. before, i kept all to myself cuz i figured no one cared. now, i know everyone that is my friend cares, and that peace allows me freedom to not dump all in my mind out all the time. but i still do need to let "it" out at times, or i may go crazy. and we know heather going crazy is not ideal. ;)
new year. i love new years eve- all the time. every year i get so excited about the possibility. just of anything. it makes me want to get rid of stuff, and take trips, etc.
i watched lotr the two towers new years day and the next. sam says something to frodo when theyre captive of farimir in gondor. frodo really doesnt think he can go on, and even though ive seen all the movies and read the books, i believed him in that moment. sam tells him its like all the stories worth telling- the hero does hard things, and just when you think all is lost, something happens [basically], and there is good in the end.
for some reason that resonated w me in all areas of my life. i definitely dont have some evil piece of jewelry that some evil force wants. and im not short [ that makes quests harder :-P] . but i felt that day to day pull of all the evils, and all the doubt and questions, wondering if im doing right and can i make it and will it really matter if i just give up?
and i wonder if i have given up- but sometimes i cant tell. i dont think i have.
im going to tell yall a secret.
i feel more dead than a few years ago .
laugh all you want, but my body is just tired. and my mind cant handle too much in a day. i dont get as excited about certain things . loss of hope? or just me getting older? i cant tell.
i was out of sorts today at work. coasting. i wasnt as focused on the children. everything seemed easy and not important to convey. celebrating a co workers birthday didnt feel celebratory. i dont know how to describe this well.
lemme see if this works- ok. ive been wanting to be more focused. have more time for God, make room for it. that definitely removes time that i wouldve spent DOING, and being w other people. which is good. its good to make time w God. the only things is , im having to fight so much to be focused. its like, i have this much " " focus time, and its all i can do to be in his presence, and im exhausted!
and the more i want to hone in on my friends and their heart and such, the harder it is and the more muddled it becomes.
im just starting off my year oddly. and i dont know what to think about it.
i do know
-im really close to paying off my car, and really dont have to sweat over that.
-i survived a year of many weddings and many bedbugs.
-this past year, i hardly remember all of that.
- im looking forward to taking classes for social work [ something i really never thought id want to do- go back to school]
-i want to go camping this year.
-my heart needs to be heard more deeply, and im wondering where to take that
- i love the kids here in my apt complex
- i want another place to live / want to live w people
- im strong enough to live alone, and thrive and love it
-i love my husband, wherever he is.
dont really want to talk about marriage, but i have a co worker that brings it up alot and asks me if theres anything new. whenever she uses that phrase i know shes asking about prospects, and i love her to death and shes being real about it, but sometimes i wish she wouldnt. that phrase she uses has a way of pulling at my heart and i want to cry cuz i feel so yucky. in my mind, its like, no, dana, nothings new. theres nothing you can celebrate w me about.
she does love talking about all the God books we seem to read at the same time:) right now we're reading not a fan.
why is it . i'll be fine with all that marriage stuff, and then people start talking about it and it just plummets? why does it have to be a freakin roller coaster.
i want to talk about the way the warm softness felt on my skin while i waited for my brother in the central market parking lot new years eve, loving that it felt like spring and new ness. i want to sit in the place where i let you in to my push for more art in my life, and that the other day i didnt want to, but i made myself {yes, MADE} myself start a painting that is going to be a very late (or early) birthday present for my grandma. it is a swirling softness of pinky- orange and i have high hopes of getting a likeness of a beautiful old woman on there- maybe 50's ad style.
high hopes. its prolly going to turn out nothing like the amazingness in my head. thats only happened about 3 times in my life.
i want to talk about how id like a puppy, and eventually have a dog[cuz they grow]. thats all attached to having a house. but what a great fun present, to get a dog for christmas. the ppl down the street from my parents had free puppies. i wanted one so badly. to get something living for christmas felt invigorating. = note, pls dont get me a plant next year. thanks.
ive been allowing myself to feel a bit more. allowing things that hurt to hurt. allowing friends to make fun of me, and not being ashamed, but playing along.
being quieter. being quieted. resting in the fact that my friends really love me and i dont have to work for their love. or their like.
all the softening scares me. sometimes i lash out. i dont know what to do with the new person God has made me to be, that i am growing into. shes boring sometimes, and more unsure of whats best, because its not just a matter of whats right and wrong, or of what she wants anymore.
this used to feel like such a need, to tell the world somehow through my blog, how life was going and all that jazz. to be connected to all of my friends here.
it doesnt feel bad anymore to just hold it.
but, i cant keep holding it. im in the same cycle i used to live in, but for different reasons. before, i kept all to myself cuz i figured no one cared. now, i know everyone that is my friend cares, and that peace allows me freedom to not dump all in my mind out all the time. but i still do need to let "it" out at times, or i may go crazy. and we know heather going crazy is not ideal. ;)
new year. i love new years eve- all the time. every year i get so excited about the possibility. just of anything. it makes me want to get rid of stuff, and take trips, etc.
i watched lotr the two towers new years day and the next. sam says something to frodo when theyre captive of farimir in gondor. frodo really doesnt think he can go on, and even though ive seen all the movies and read the books, i believed him in that moment. sam tells him its like all the stories worth telling- the hero does hard things, and just when you think all is lost, something happens [basically], and there is good in the end.
for some reason that resonated w me in all areas of my life. i definitely dont have some evil piece of jewelry that some evil force wants. and im not short [ that makes quests harder :-P] . but i felt that day to day pull of all the evils, and all the doubt and questions, wondering if im doing right and can i make it and will it really matter if i just give up?
and i wonder if i have given up- but sometimes i cant tell. i dont think i have.
im going to tell yall a secret.
i feel more dead than a few years ago .
laugh all you want, but my body is just tired. and my mind cant handle too much in a day. i dont get as excited about certain things . loss of hope? or just me getting older? i cant tell.
i was out of sorts today at work. coasting. i wasnt as focused on the children. everything seemed easy and not important to convey. celebrating a co workers birthday didnt feel celebratory. i dont know how to describe this well.
lemme see if this works- ok. ive been wanting to be more focused. have more time for God, make room for it. that definitely removes time that i wouldve spent DOING, and being w other people. which is good. its good to make time w God. the only things is , im having to fight so much to be focused. its like, i have this much " " focus time, and its all i can do to be in his presence, and im exhausted!
and the more i want to hone in on my friends and their heart and such, the harder it is and the more muddled it becomes.
im just starting off my year oddly. and i dont know what to think about it.
i do know
-im really close to paying off my car, and really dont have to sweat over that.
-i survived a year of many weddings and many bedbugs.
-this past year, i hardly remember all of that.
- im looking forward to taking classes for social work [ something i really never thought id want to do- go back to school]
-i want to go camping this year.
-my heart needs to be heard more deeply, and im wondering where to take that
- i love the kids here in my apt complex
- i want another place to live / want to live w people
- im strong enough to live alone, and thrive and love it
-i love my husband, wherever he is.
dont really want to talk about marriage, but i have a co worker that brings it up alot and asks me if theres anything new. whenever she uses that phrase i know shes asking about prospects, and i love her to death and shes being real about it, but sometimes i wish she wouldnt. that phrase she uses has a way of pulling at my heart and i want to cry cuz i feel so yucky. in my mind, its like, no, dana, nothings new. theres nothing you can celebrate w me about.
she does love talking about all the God books we seem to read at the same time:) right now we're reading not a fan.
why is it . i'll be fine with all that marriage stuff, and then people start talking about it and it just plummets? why does it have to be a freakin roller coaster.
i want to talk about the way the warm softness felt on my skin while i waited for my brother in the central market parking lot new years eve, loving that it felt like spring and new ness. i want to sit in the place where i let you in to my push for more art in my life, and that the other day i didnt want to, but i made myself {yes, MADE} myself start a painting that is going to be a very late (or early) birthday present for my grandma. it is a swirling softness of pinky- orange and i have high hopes of getting a likeness of a beautiful old woman on there- maybe 50's ad style.
high hopes. its prolly going to turn out nothing like the amazingness in my head. thats only happened about 3 times in my life.
i want to talk about how id like a puppy, and eventually have a dog[cuz they grow]. thats all attached to having a house. but what a great fun present, to get a dog for christmas. the ppl down the street from my parents had free puppies. i wanted one so badly. to get something living for christmas felt invigorating. = note, pls dont get me a plant next year. thanks.
ive been allowing myself to feel a bit more. allowing things that hurt to hurt. allowing friends to make fun of me, and not being ashamed, but playing along.
being quieter. being quieted. resting in the fact that my friends really love me and i dont have to work for their love. or their like.
all the softening scares me. sometimes i lash out. i dont know what to do with the new person God has made me to be, that i am growing into. shes boring sometimes, and more unsure of whats best, because its not just a matter of whats right and wrong, or of what she wants anymore.
18 December 2011
somehow these past few years i find myself reading the beginning of luke, unplanned w the Christmas season. but there i am, shocked to find that i am again reading the story. that i somehow "stumbled" on it.
i like how luke writes.
and i was slapped in the face by this verse.
24 " After this his wife Elizabeth became pregnant and for 5 months stayed in seclusion."
the kjv says
"And after those days his wife Elisabeth conceived, and hid herself five months, saying, Thus hath the Lord dealt with me in the days wherein he looked on [me], to take away my reproach among men. And in the sixth month the angel Gabriel was sent from God unto a city of Galilee, named Nazareth,"
is there a reason she stayed in seclusion and hid, until the month that gabriel went to mary to tell her about her role?
funny that someone would hide for as long as she could, the very thing that would take away her "reproach among men."
i wonder if she really felt the reproach at this stage in her life or not. maybe she was worried she would lose the baby, and didnt want to tell anyone, or maybe she just liked resting in the joy that God gave her with the pregnancy- like, wanting it all to herself.
it made me think too, how when God gives to us, has us conceive something- do we cherish it? are there appropriate times to be "hiding" and taking ourselves into seclusion?
this is as far as my brain has gotten.
i like how luke writes.
and i was slapped in the face by this verse.
24 " After this his wife Elizabeth became pregnant and for 5 months stayed in seclusion."
the kjv says
"And after those days his wife Elisabeth conceived, and hid herself five months, saying, Thus hath the Lord dealt with me in the days wherein he looked on [me], to take away my reproach among men. And in the sixth month the angel Gabriel was sent from God unto a city of Galilee, named Nazareth,"
is there a reason she stayed in seclusion and hid, until the month that gabriel went to mary to tell her about her role?
funny that someone would hide for as long as she could, the very thing that would take away her "reproach among men."
i wonder if she really felt the reproach at this stage in her life or not. maybe she was worried she would lose the baby, and didnt want to tell anyone, or maybe she just liked resting in the joy that God gave her with the pregnancy- like, wanting it all to herself.
it made me think too, how when God gives to us, has us conceive something- do we cherish it? are there appropriate times to be "hiding" and taking ourselves into seclusion?
this is as far as my brain has gotten.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)