so, this......
http://histablefortwo.blogspot.com/2012/03/covered-tenderly-by-my-kinsman-redeemer.html

has left me tender.
other things have left me tender too.
having my heart break at church all throughout the worship and sermon, and not having words, just tears. not having understanding, just acceptance.
knowing God took me on a "father/daughter date"
and that he showered beautiful sunny rain just for me, just when i was walking to the park--when id planned to go to the park prolly and hour earlier and was just getting around to going.
breaking me enough so that i could blubber cry to my dad on the phone about all my most tender places in the moment, and he [my dad] responded as a dad should. and it was perfect and helped settle my heart.
giving me the responsible thought to say no to fun good dinner time w friends, to get my life in a little bit more order, and to grab some rest.

and even in the fresh painful trepidatious knowledge received today that there are bedbugs again in the apt complex. hes here w my heart. just sitting with all my questions and concerns and prayers. and it was no coincidence i read tracys blog and found this--
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F4DK7arkztw

i have just spent 2.5 hours [at least!] switching over the main bulk of my email to a new address. i have some stuff in the old one i havent pulled over yet.. wanna go through it and delete as much as possible. anyway. all that to say, ive been cutting and pasting, reading and deleting and emailing and streamlining ON MY BUTT for over 2 hours. thats more than watching a movie.
im so thankful that God gave me the desire to get that done, tho.
another thing i am "great"ful for is all the great stuff that was accomplished today and yesterday in regards to kids club!! we are getting organized! my apt is getting organized to accommodate the kids better! im getting more disciplined! im learning how to discipline kindly and well.

im finding out, this woman [ me] doesnt communicate that well. and im very much a critical realist. it gets a bad light- sometimes people think im pessimistic, and sometimes i think im pessimistic and it gets me depressed. but i had some wonderful people encourage me through talking about all this kids club stuff, and im excited, and getting refreshed.
thank you God.

my hearts in a really different place then last time. thank God! he pulled me slowly out and i am more free. today in church i sat with the problem of adultery, as i have it towards the Lord and i was almost grieved- maybe shocked is a better word- at the horribleness of this sin towards him; this constant sin. and i thought about how i have it so wrong, the punishing part. i think God gave me this because it opened my heart, and i see clearer than i ever have, that i am his treasure! his jealousy is lovely and wonderful and HE LOVES ME. and he WANTS me, and i dont have to pay. he did that. I DONT have to PAY. so i may not feel badly about doing wrong, or being disobedient, but if i know its wrong, i say im sorry and move in the better direction. i can choose to take that harder better road he has planned. hes with me on that. he knows the next part.

something shifted today after that. my interactions w other people felt so loving. it felt distant too- like i was watching, instead of really being there. i wasnt there, but i was. i dont know if that makes sense. im pretty sure God was just moving me out of the way.

it felt so different just looking at others lives. jon up on stage, being a missionary all of a sudden in alot of peoples eyes. tim leading a team overseas. watching/ listening to jenny grow into having her own place w furniture. seeing josh deal, struggle, and live with failure. connecting w sarah and rejoicing in brainstorming explosively ingenious ideas for her fantasy role playing game. resting in safe and comfortable presence of friends i dont feel the need to entertain- when i dont really know them all that well! [chelle drew 'los caleb]. samantha somehow being connected to me :)

im living my life, and today was so life- ful. not the doing, but interacting w the people in it. there was a vibrancy about everything that was making me so aware of it and others, and i was kinda in awe. but i didnt realize that until driving home tonight. it was a peaceful awe, a place where there was enough energy, enough time. enough responsible thinking and enough hope and joy. enough love for others and i wasnt in the picture and it was good.
did i just get a taste of selflessness?!
we should have church on friday. i dont know why this stuff always happens on sunday, and im longing for more free time to unpack.